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What I tell clients who struggle to take breaks
Here’s something I’ve been saying to seemingly all of my clients recently:
“What if you feel like garbage when you do it…
…and *nothing* is wrong?”
We may know that we need to close our laptops at 6 pm so we can rest + rejuvenate…
Or stop accepting meeting requests from that low-priority project…
Or walk our dog in the middle of the day so we can clear our heads and come back mentally sharper…
… And we may feel like absolute garbage when we do it.
Jumpy in our bodies.
Minds racing.
Worried that we are making a terrible mistake, or that someone will be super mad at us.
This is a tough situation. These actions (closing the laptop, turning down the meetings, walking the dog) are supposed to make us feel better. Is something wrong, if they make us feel absolutely terrible?
The answer is clear: No.
No, nothing is wrong. In fact, it's completely normal to feel like absolute garbage the first 5 times we do something that is hard + scary + out-of-the ordinary for us.
Of course, we can take action to feel less jumpy or mind race-y (see also: journaling, lying on the floor). But even if we do all the positive personal development in the world, it may still take at least 5 times, or 10 times (and occasionally more), before our nervous system + our mind calms down enough for us to reap the full benefits of those activities.
What if it could feel terrible and garbage-y… and nothing could be wrong?
…
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead.
Katie
p.s. Would you like to work with me 1:1? My clients do higher quality work with less time and effort, change careers, finally write that screenplay, make more money, cultivate deeper friendships, and improve their marriages.
And, even more importantly, they feel: clearer about their paths and their values, more confident, more satisfied, and like they have more energy, calm, meaning, and joy.
Learn more here.
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The most common thought error about making mistakes
Someone dear to me recently had a minor fender bender. She was pulling out of the supermarket parking lot…and ran into a car she didn’t see coming.
Luckily, everyone was fine, and insurance would cover the repairs.
But when I talked to her, she was still beating herself up.
“If I’d just looked more carefully,” She told me, “this whole thing wouldn’t have happened. I should have been more careful.”
It should be said: this person is very careful. She’s the one who double checks her flights, and always brings a sweater in case it gets cold.
And also: it is true that the immediate cause of the accident was that she didn’t look carefully enough, on that particular day. She was the one who drove into the other car. It was her “fault.”
But, underneath, there was significant thought error:
Her brain thought that if she was careful enough, she’d never make mistakes.
“What if you assumed that some percentage of the time, you’ll mess up.” I told her. “No matter what, no matter how careful you are, how thoughtful — there is simply no way to avoid messing up some percentage of the time. Your brain isn’t a machine, and it will mis-fire sometimes. This happens to everyone, no matter how careful.”
“Sometimes these mistakes be small, and sometimes they will be significant,” I told her. “All that happened was that this was one of yours.”
Over the phone, I could hear her relief, and also her doubt.
Relief, because it felt good to not feel so guilty.
And doubt, because, well… was she allowed to think that?
I pointed out that I wasn’t saying she couldn’t be careful about her life. I was just suggesting that despite that care, she was still going to make mistakes.
Guaranteed.
…
So, this weekend, I just wanted to offer you the same thought to play with:
I will make mistakes — small and big — some percentage of the time. It is inevitable, and no amount of carefulness will allow me to avoid it.
Think of a recent time when you made a mistake. How does seeing it through this lens change your attitude towards it?
…
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. This essay is such a great example of something I do frequently with my clients: help them see the thought errors they are making (which can be very hard to see on our own) + helping them cultivate believable thoughts that serve them better.
I have one opening for a new client to start in July. If you’d like to work with me, learn more here.
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What to do instead of (only) worrying
I have a brain that tends to think about what can go wrong. Maybe you do, too.
Today, I wanted to share a strategy (which I first learned about here) that has made a huge difference for me.
Here it is:
When you notice yourself focused on what could go wrong, practice giving equal brain space to what could go right.
Here are some examples from my own life:
When I think: What if my mom dies soon and I miss her so much and can’t call her and chat about the most banal things and also important things?
I try to also think: Or, what if she lives for many years and we have so many lovely moments of connection together — and even after she’s gone, I have so many wonderful memories of her.
…
When I think: What if my husband dies and I am so lonely without him?
I try to also think: Or, what if he lives as long as I do, and we have such a meaningful, satisfying relationship. We cuddle lots, we talk about deep things, and I get to watch him grow and he watches me be the person I yearn to be.
…
Or, here’s another one for me, lately — we’re just about to do some renovations on our home.
When I think: What if our renovation goes terribly? It’s way more expensive than it seems, and it’s totally not worth it, and I just wasted all of this money, and I’ll really miss that money when it’s gone.
I try to also think: What if it’s one of the best things I’ve ever spent money on? What if it lets us enjoy our beautiful lives, the amazing California weather, and our experience as a family in our home, so much more deeply? What if I absolutely *love* it?
…
What I love about this strategy is that it doesn’t require us to only focus on the positive, or pretend that the world is only rainbows-and-rainbow-unicorns.
It simply says: the narrative you’re telling is overly — even unrealistically — negative. The negative thing isn’t the only thing that could happen; it’s just one, negative point on a whole spectrum of possibilities.
For me, training my brain to remember that things could also go right — truly, training my brain to tell a balanced narrative — has made an enormous difference.
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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If it's a good idea...
Here’s something to live by: If it’s a good idea, it’ll still be a good idea 10 minutes from now.
If it’s a good idea to check Instagram (or your email, or YouTube)…
If it’s a good idea to eat that cookie (or that apple)…
If it’s a good idea to send that email …
…It’ll still be a good idea 10 minutes from now.
I’m sure we can all think of rare exceptions to this rule — times when if you don’t do it right-this-very-second, it will be a problem. If one of my babies is about to touch an electric socket, for example, I’m not going to wait 10 minutes before moving him away.
And yet, far too many of us have the opposite problem.
We do things that don’t serve us. We eat, use technology, and tell our loved ones or colleagues things… that would probably be better left un-done, un-said.
…
And if you want to get next-level on this, you could even say: If it’s a good idea, you will be able to lie on the floor for 10 minutes, and still want to do it afterwards.
(The idea behind this: lying on the floor tends to calm our nervous systems. So if you still want to eat a cookie/check your email/browse Instagram even after your nervous system is calm, it’s probably that you actually want the thing, and not that the thing is your way of numbing out from the discomfort of being a human.)
Might you be bold enough to…try it?
I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
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A tip if you'd like to reduce anxiety
I read some remarkably useful advice recently. It’s simple, but I was astonished by how effective it was for me. I thought it might help you, too.
Here it is: “Don’t think too much about your life after dinnertime”.
That advice is from artist and author Austin Kleon. Here’s what else he says about it:
Thinking too much at the end of the day is a recipe for despair. Everything looks better in the light of the morning. Cliché, maybe, but it works.
Kleon is right: it sounds cliché, but it works.
Personally, I’ve noticed that at least 60% of my personal and professional anxiety happens at night.
Implementing this rule doesn’t mean that I’ll never feel worry or self-doubt, but it does mean that I’m less likely to engage with those feelings. Instead of spending an hour mulling it over, wondering if I should make big changes and how I would implement them, I just think, Well, I know that I tend to feel anxious and doubt myself at night. How about we table this question until the morning?
And then in the morning? You guessed it: It’s not that big of a deal. Either the “problem” isn’t truly a problem, or it can be addressed in doable, non-stressful ways.
I’m in your corner rooting for you.
Katie
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