The medicine works if you take it.

Here’s something I’ve been telling a few clients lately: 

The medicine works, if you take it. 

Here I’m talking about whatever it is, that helps you feel the way you want to feel: 

Less stressed
Happier
Calmer
More energized
More focused
Clearer
Sharper

While many of us could use some new ideas or fresh perspectives, we also typically have at least one idea of something that would help us to feel the way we want to feel. 

We’re just…not yet doing it. 

And look — I will be the first person to raise my hand and say…there have been many times when I didn’t have the capacity to do the things that would serve me. This email is 0% intended to make you feel guilty.

But I have also observed that it can be times when it is incredibly empowering to have someone who really, really cares about you look you in the eye and say: 

Hey, you don’t *have* to do this thing. Zero pressure. But also…if you want to feel better, you know what the medicine is. You can take it anytime. 

So let this email be me — softly, gently, with compassion and love oozing out of my pores — reminding you: 

Hey friend. The medicine does work, if you take it. Would you consider taking it? 

…

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this. 

Katie





p.s. I specialize in working with people who are already pretty “together” in their lives — paying their bills, meeting their commitments. But just because your life looks pretty good on paper, doesn’t necessarily mean that it feels right to you, from the inside out.

If you're interested, learn more here.

How you may feel when you quit your job

Just a lil’ PSA today:

Some of my clients, at some point, quit their jobs without something else lined up next. Often, this is a decision that is very intentionally chosen — for a long time, they’ve been craving extra time to rest, and dream about what’s next. 

When they were still working, they imagined this time of planned unemployment as delightful. 

The joyful mornings at coffee shops! The invigorating extra workouts! The extra hangouts with friends!

And then, when they’ve finally quit and have this longed-for extra time, they often find that while there are fun parts, there is also… anxiety. 

Sometimes…a lot of anxiety. 

Anxiety about figuring out what they want next.

Anxiety about whether they’ll ever get hired again. 

And just weird, mysterious, floating anxiety. 

This has happened to a handful of my clients in the past six months, and I have told them all the same thing: This is totally, profoundly normal. 

…

Here’s the thing: when you have more empty space + time in your life than you are accustomed to…stuff tends to come up. 

Stuff like…

Feelings. 

Thoughts. 

Body sensations (jitteriness, jumpiness, difficulty sitting still are common ones). 

This is true, across life. 

If you’ve had a super busy period at work, and suddenly the project ends, you might expect to feel amazing – and you might end up with a lot of “stuff” coming up. 

If you are a super busy parent and finally have some help + more free time — you might expect to be truly joyful, but spend at least some of that time with “stuff” coming up. 

Sometimes the “stuff” comes right away. You wake up on your first day of unemployment, filled with anxiety. Other times, there’s a honeymoon period of days or weeks, of pure joy. And then, it hits you like a ton of bricks. 

Often, my clients don’t typically feel quite so negative, in their general lives. So it can be extra-disorienting to have these negative thoughts or feelings or sensations. 

…

I have some theories about why this happens: I think most of us have more negative feelings than we are processing, on a day-to-day basis. And when we suddenly have more empty space, all of that unprocessed anxiety or fear or sadness or just existential sensation jumps in, to say: now that you have some empty space, can we play?

But I think even more important than why this happens is simply acknowledging that it does happen, and if it is happening, nothing is wrong. 

And here’s what I tell my clients, if it’s helpful to you, too: 

1. “Nothing is going wrong.”
   This is normal. This happens to almost everyone. Do not freak out. When there’s empty space, stuff just tends to come up.
   
   

2. And also: “You need to spend some of your new free time attending to this.”
   “This is annoying. And, some of your free time will need to be spent managing your anxiety (or fear or sadness), and taking it very seriously.” (This is a moment when I talk to my clients about concrete strategies that work for them, to manage thoughts or feelings.) 

…

Remember when I said this is a PSA? I meant it. 

I want you to remember: if you quit your job to rest + regroup (or otherwise find yourself with more free time than usual)….it may not feel 100% amazing. 

This is not to say you shouldn’t do it! I have done it, and enjoyed it, and have many clients who felt the same. 

It’s simply to say: if you feel not as amazing as you expected, don’t freak out. Take it seriously. If you do, then you might go back to enjoying the extra time just as much as you hoped  ☺

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie




p.s. If you'd like some support in cultivating your own sustainable pace (both in identifying what it is + making it a freaking reality), I can't recommend life coaching enough.

If you'd like to work with me, you can learn about my work here.

Waiting for a break in the storm

Here’s something I often remind myself: 

There are seasons when every day is a good day for an expedition. The height of spring, for example. It’s sunny, it’s breezy, and a bit of a burn feels nice in the legs. Go get ‘em, tiger. 

And then there are other seasons. 

In those seasons, every day will be a difficult day for an expedition. 

Amidst the swirling rain, the howling wind, and the blankets of snow…it will take all you’ve got to put one step in front of another. And even with superhuman effort, you’ll move slowly, sometimes backwards, get lost a lot, use up all your energy in the first half-mile…and get very, very wet. 

(Did I mention that you’ll get very, very wet?)

…

In those seasons, you have two options: 

1. Wait for a break in the storm.  
   Wait for a time when it’s not so swirly, windy, or rain-y. Wait for a time when you can take a break, and take some clear steps.
   
   Of course, this may not be often. In certain climates, at certain times of year, there may be days, weeks, or months where…it is honestly a terrible time to undertake an expedition.
   
   

2. Go anyway.
   You can always go outside, even in the worst of seasons, and start the trek anyway. That’s fine, too. But it will be a frustrating trek — just like it would be frustrating to wait inside for a break in the storm.
   
   

Honestly, all the options are kind of frustrating, in certain seasons. 

I think I’ll say that one again, because I need it, too: all the options are kind of frustrating, in certain seasons.

…

I don’t say that to discourage you. I say that to remind you: 

Spring will come again. 

Expeditions will feel good again.

Just not in this particular season. 

…

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this. 

Katie





p.s. I’ve noticed that this seems to be a moment for deeply considering one’s life — what do we want from our days? Are we moving in a direction that is truly right for us? If that’s true for you, coaching might be a useful source of support, inspiration, and direction. Here’s more information about working with me, if you'd like.

When everything is “hard”

A little while ago, my life coach (yes, I have one!) pointed out that I was saying that a lot of things were “hard.” 

Wrangling young children at bedtime was hard. 

My 16-month renovation was hard. 

Having enough time for everything I wanted to do was — you guessed it — hard. 

My coach challenged me to notice, as I moved through my days, what wasn’t hard. What was, in fact, easy? And when I noticed when something was easy, to just say to myself, “This is easy.”

Reader, I did it. 
Reader, it turns out that a lot of my life is easy. 

I found myself saying “this is easy” to myself, at least a handful of times a day. 

When I had a quiet moment to journal in the morning. 
As I took a breath and had a lovely lunch. 
When I read a book after dinner, or snuck into my kids’ room at 9 pm to watch them sleep. 

And, even more strikingly: I noticed that when I said “this is easy” to myself, several times a day, my day felt easier…without changing anything. 

I think this happened because the *average* of my thoughts became more positive. I didn’t get rid of the negative ones, I just added more truthful positive ones. 

(“Truthful” is an important part of that sentence. This wasn’t a practice about lying to myself, or self-gaslighting. Plenty of things remain hard or unpleasant — brushing a toddler’s teeth, anyone? — and I tell myself the truth about those things, too, with compassion.) 

…

So today, I wanted to offer you an invitation to play with this practice.  

If — like me — everything has felt “hard” lately, you might practice noticing what’s “easy.” Or maybe there’s a different word that has plagued you:

• Has everything been “boring?” Maybe look for what is fun, or interesting, in your day-to-day.

• Has everything been “frustrating?” Maybe look for what has “gone well” – or interactions that felt “helpful” or “supportive.” 

Again, the point isn’t to deny your experience. Many things will likely remain hard, boring, and frustrating. 

But also, we may be unfairly weighing the narrative towards the negative, by simply not noticing parts of our life that are the opposite of our habitual interpretation — and suffering because of it. 

…

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

p.s. One of my clients said:

"These are lessons that I could potentially have learned "on my own" after another 1-2 decades of life experience, but the fact I have made such progress in 12 months means that working with Katie has easily been the best investment I've made in myself in my adulthood."

I feel so moved by her saying that. If you'd like to work with me — I currently have two openings for new clients — learn more + reach out here.

Job Descriptions + your engine

I’m starting this year by sharing two core concepts that I find most helpful to my clients — our compass + our engine. We spent a few weeks on compasses (1, 2, 3), and now we’re talking about engines (1,2,3).

Today, I wanted to talk about the final common engine challenge: keeping your engine going on the road, for the long term. 

There’s many concepts that help with this, but today I’ll just share one. 

It’s this: Choose your job description carefully.

To me, a “job description” is the definition of what tasks you are signed up to do, and how “success” is measured. 

Most of us have “job descriptions” — implicit or explicit — at work.
We also have them — typically implicitly — in every other part of our lives. We might have job descriptions for how we are supposed to show up as a parent, as a partner, as a friend, as a painter, as a runner. 

I’ve found that many of us have often un-useful, sometimes actively-harmful job descriptions. 

One recently client’s (implicit) Job Description at work was the following: 

• Do every task that is asked of me perfectly — in a way that is thorough and detailed. 

• Volunteer for every additional opportunity to help that arises, and do those at an extremely high level of quality, as well. 

Based on that job description, can you guess how my client was feeling? 

If you guessed “exhausted, behind on work, overwhelmed, and bad at her job (despite getting great feedback from her boss),” you’re right! 

…

Of course, given her Job Description, none of this is a surprise.  

She had a job with potential tasks that could take two full-time employees’ time. It simply wasn’t possible to do every task at the level of thoroughness that she desired. As a result, of course she often felt behind, exhausted, and like she was avoiding the most important things. 

We did many things in our work together, but one of them was to revise her job description.

Eventually, it was something like this: 

• Use her expertise to prioritize the most important tasks. 

• Communicate clearly with her many stakeholders, so everyone knows when she will get back to them with what they need — even if it’s not immediately. 

• Make sure she tackles the most important tasks with her peak cognitive sharpness, and also to rest and take appropriate breaks (like mid-day exercise), so she can maintain that sharpness over the course of the day. 

Three things were fantastic about this job description: 

1. When she followed this job description, she was more effective at work, not less.
   She got the most important things done in a timely manner (which she used to avoid, because many of those important tasks were also cognitively tiring) — and she didn’t feel behind on the less important things, because she has communicated clearly about deadlines so stakeholders knew what to expect.
   
   

2. She felt calmer, happier, and well-rested.
   Before, she’d often work late, and struggled to get exercise in. Now, she exercised most lunch breaks, and stopped at a reasonable hour. And her days were calmer, because she wasn’t feeling guilty or anxious that she wasn’t getting to the most important thing.
   
   

3. And, also, she felt more effective.
   Before, she often felt bad at her job – because she was often failing at the job description she had created for herself. Now, she could feel successful — because she could satisfy her own job description. 

And, of course, when you feel both more effective, and also calmer, happier, and well-rested…it’s a lot easier to keep that engine engaged in the long term. 

…

This week, I invite you to pick one area of your life – it could be at your job, or as a parent, homeowner, or friend. Then reflect: 

• What implicit job description are you living with? 

• What would you like your job description to be?

Happy Engine Month, everyone ☺ As always, I’m rooting for you. 

Katie

p.s. Want to work with me 1:1? So many of us have lives that look pretty good on paper, but feel a little “off” or not-right.

Working with folks like that is my specialty.

I help my clients gain clarity + make progress towards lives that feel profoundly right to them. Along the way, they cultivate more authenticity, build more meaningful relationships, heal from burnout, have more fun, finally accomplish that important project, and much more.

Learn more about working with me here.

A wacky way to turn the key in the ignition

I’m starting this year by sharing two core concepts that I find most helpful to my clients — our compass + our engine. We spent a few weeks on compasses (1, 2, 3), and now we’re talking about engines (1,2). 

…

This week, let’s assume you do have fuel in the tank of your engine. 

The second issue that I encounter with my clients is that they struggle to actually turn on the ignition.

They never write that screenplay that’s burning inside of them.  

They avoid editing that research brief that is cognitively challenging, but so important. 

They keep putting off that grad school application until it’s the last minute and they’re rushed. 

You might avoid it forever (like the screenplay), or procrastinate it by doing other “useful” things (replying to every email at work when really you should be reading a research paper on that challenging topic.)

Today I want to share a practice that I’ve seen be shockingly effective when you are avoiding…you know…actually turning on that engine. 

…

But a warning, before I tell you about the practice:

This one is a little wacky. 

As in, when I suggest it to clients, they sometimes look at me like I’m kooky. But when they do it, they often come back and say, wow Katie, this thing really worked. 

…

Here’s the practice: Before you do that thing that you know you need to do…set a timer for 5 minutes and lie on the floor and do nothing. Then, get up and do the thing that you know you need to do.

That’s it. 

Lie on the floor.
Do nothing.
5 minutes. 

Then do the thing you need to do.

…

A quick Q&A:

1. Q: What do you mean by “Do Nothing” ?
   A: Lie on the floor and don’t take any action. It’s okay if your mind wanders a bit; you don’t have to formally “meditate” or “clear your mind.” Just don’t consciously think about something, like planning out your grocery list for this afternoon.
   

2. Q: What if it’s not socially acceptable to lie on the floor? I’m in an office and it would be too weird.
   A: No worries – a chair will work, too. Just make sure your laptop is closed, and you’re not stimulated by screens or other input. Sitting quietly in the bathroom stall will do the trick, in a pinch. 

…

This practice accomplishes, with elegance + simplicity, two important things: 

1. It lowers your agitation level.
   When you first lie on the floor, you may be quite jumpy + agitated in your body. Most of us are agitated to some degree, as we move through our days — and if you are anticipating doing something important, challenging, and/or emotionally-charged…you might be even more agitated. But if you lie there on the floor for 5 minutes, you will feel calmer and less agitated, to at least some degree.
   
   

2. It gives you a cognitive rest.
   Most of us are also chronically cognitively tired — and you know what we tend to avoid when we’re cognitively tired? Important, challenging, and/or emotionally-charged tasks!
   
   Giving yourself a few minutes to have an open, receptive, wandering mind is typically very cognitively restful (though it may not necessarily be “fun” – it may be a bit uncomfortable, at first). 

My clients typically find that once they are even a bit less agitated and cognitively rested, it is so, so much easier to turn the key in the ignition and do what they intend to do.

… 

So that’s my suggestion for you this week: 

1. Pick an activity that’s important, or that you have been struggling to get done. 

2. This week, lie on the floor for 5 minutes before doing it. 

Kooky? Absolutely.

Effective? Also yes. 

Try it and let me know how it goes ☺ 

Katie



p.s. Want to feel less busy + exhausted all the time? Struggle with people-pleasing? What to make progress towards what matters most? 1:1 life coaching can be a game changer for that — and much more.

Learn more here.

Let’s talk about Energy Net Worth

I’m starting this year by sharing two core concepts that I find most helpful to my clients — our compass + our engine. We spent a few weeks on compasses (1, 2, 3), and now we’re talking about engines (here’s last week’s intro). 

…

One common engine problem is simply not having any fuel in the tank. 

On one hand, most of us know that we need fuel when it comes to non-metaphorical engines. We’d certainly never drive a car with an empty tank on the freeway. 

But a lot of us our driving ourselves on the freeway with empty tanks. 

Today I want to introduce a concept I developed, that I often share with clients who are chronically driving on empty: the idea of Energy Net Worth.

The idea behind “Energy Net Worth” is that your energy level functions a lot like money — it’s not just about what you “earn” and “spend” today; it’s also about what you earnt and spent in the past.

If we have a positive Energy Net Worth, we have a build-up of extra energy reserves, for whatever life throws at us. Have you ever had something energetically “expensive” happen to you, but you emerged basically okay? You probably had plenty of energy in reserve, so it wasn’t a big deal to “spend” some.

(This happened to me, when my son first started having seizures and he had to spend a few days in the hospital. Scary, exhausting, but I had a pretty solid amount of energy in the bank. I was okay afterwards.)

By contrast, have you ever had an experience that wasn’t “objectively” tiring, but…totally exhausted you? 

Maybe you had to do something at work that, on a normal day, would be okay — or even easy! — but on this day, just seemed impossible.  At that point, your Energy Net Worth was probably close to zero…or you may have been already in “Energy Debt.”

The point here is not what happens to your energy in a given day. We all have days that are energetically expensive, for one reason or another. The point is overall.

*Overall,* Do you have enough reserves for what you need? Or are you perpetually exhausted? 

…

If you laughed at the concept of even having energy reserves – if you thought “well, that’s impossible” or “that sounds like a pipe dream, Katie” – you’re definitely not alone.

Most of my clients are, financially, quite responsible. They have 401k’s, they are thoughtful about investment strategies or budgeting. They might have debt, but it is thoughtfully chosen – a carefully-researched decision to buy a house, for example.

On the other hand, many, many of my clients are basically living paycheck-to-paycheck, with maxed out credit cards, when it comes to their energy. 

And this has huge – and I mean huge — implications across their lives. 

(And Energy Debt, like financial debt, can be complex to pay off. Because when you’re truly in energy debt, there is typically interest. More on that here.)

…

For today, I want to invite you to reflect: 

1. How is your Energy Net Worth? Is it positive? Neutral? Negative?
   
   

2. Do you give your Energy Net Worth as much attention, care, and long-term planning as you give your Financial Net Worth? Why or why not? Do you like that prioritization? 

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this. 

Katie 

p.s. Would you like to work with me in 2024? Most of my clients improve their Energy Net Worth, while we simultaneously work on everything else that matters to them (improving their focus, revitalizing their marriages, re-starting their exercise habits, making that big career move, and more.)

I’m offering 4-month and 6-month coaching packages. My past client, Julie, recently said: “Working with Katie was one of the best decisions I've made in the past few years.”

Learn more about working with me 1:1 here.

What your engine needs

I’m starting this year by revisiting two core concepts that I find most helpful to my clients — our compass + our engine. We spent a few weeks talking about our compasses (if you missed it, check out parts 1, 2, 3, and 4); now let’s talk about our engines.  

To kick Engine Month off, I wanted to share a few things every functional engine needs: 

1. It needs enough fuel in the tank. 

2. It needs to be able to start going. You need to be able to turn on the ignition, regularly.  

3. It needs to be able to keep going. You need to be able to keep the car going on the freeway, at a solid pace, for the long haul. 

On one hand, these three things may sound obvious. Like: Of course we need fuel, and to start + keep going. 

On the other hand, I’ve seen many clients struggle in each one of these areas without being able to articulate the problem. And each struggle necessitates a different coaching approach.

For example:  

If a client isn’t making progress, is it because he doesn’t have enough fuel? 

Or is something stopping him from turning his engine on and getting started?  

Or is he breaking down by the side of the road? 

Depending on the situation, I might help him get more fuel, help him un-block himself from getting started, or develop more endurance to keep going. 

…

In the next few weeks, I’ll share some ideas for each of those potential issues. 

But for today, I want to ask: if you know what you want, but feel like your engine isn’t working as well as you’d like it to, which of the following areas are you struggling in: 

1. Do you have enough fuel in your tank?

2. Have you been able to get started, on a regular basis? 

3. Are you having endurance issues? 
   
   
   

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

p.s. I currently have two openings for new 1:1 life coaching clients. Would you like to work with me? Learn more here!

“No”-only compasses

I’m starting this year by sharing some core concepts that I find most helpful to my clients — our compass + our engine. My last few essays have been about our compasses (here, here, and here) –  and I wanted to share a final more core concept about compasses this week.

…

One final compass insight for you: 

Some people’s compasses — either for a period of time, or for always — only tell them what not to do. Don’t take this job, don’t get married to this person. But it never actually tells them what *to* do.

In other words: “No”-only compasses exist.

The good news is that even though this is annoying, you actually can navigate through life with this just fine. It will work, and will work quite effectively — even with “no”-only signals.  

But you have to kind of get used to that process, too, and learn how to work with the compass you have — which, again, is not Google Maps.

…

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.

Katie

p.s. If you’d like to do a total overhaul on your compass and/or engine this year, I highly recommend working with me 1:1. Here’s what one client said about her experiences working with me: 

“{…}It was truly life-changing. In a very short time, Katie was able to truly see me, probably better than anyone ever has, and more importantly she helped me be able to see myself - which I realized I had never actually done before. She really has a knack for reading the moment and knowing what is needed in that moment, while also knowing how that moment relates to the bigger picture.

I can't recommend Katie enough.”

— Celia

Compasses are kind of like iPhones

I’m starting this year by sharing some core concepts that I find most helpful to my clients — our compass + our engine. I’m starting with our compasses (here’s last week’s) –  and I wanted to share another idea this week. 

…

Today I wanted to share #1 misunderstanding about compasses that I find I have to explain to the world.

Here it is:

Compasses drained of batteries will only tell you that they are drained of batteries.

You know how when your iphone or your laptop is drained of battery, you can turn it on, it just shows the “battery is dead” sign, and then turns itself off? 

The compass is 100% like this. 

If human (metaphorical) compasses came with instruction manuals, they would say: Compass will not give directional information when drained of battery. 

Often, when people get that battery-dead-turning-itself-off thing, they freak out and think their compass doesn’t work. When actually, your compass is totally working. 

It is just telling you the one thing it really, really wants you to know, which is “you are tired.” 

…

And this is, truly the #1 misunderstanding about compasses that I find I have to explain to the world. I tell it to clients very frequently. I told this to a friend just this week. 

My friend was feeling stressed out + scared because she didn’t know what she wanted to do professionally. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said:

You know, I just think if I was being honest, I don’t want a job at all. I’d love to never work again. But I can’t do that, financially, so I just feel trapped and like I have nothing to navigate by.

And it was very clear to me what the problem was. 

So I told her: “Girl, your compass is working just fine. It’s just that when your compass is out of batteries, the only thing it’s going to tell you is to recharge the batteries. You’re not going to get any more information until there’s more juice in that thing.” 

And then she laughed and was really relieved. 

Because, she had been going through a busier time than usual, and she was genuinely tired. And she could quit her job to rest, of course, but she also could just prioritize rest more in her life as a whole, while keeping her job. Both are options. 

…

But again, in these situations, the compass is working, it’s just doing what it is supposed to do, which is not to give a reading when it doesn’t have enough battery level. 

So as my PSA for this month, please remember: Compasses drained of batteries will only tell you that they are drained of batteries.

…

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

P.s. Want to rebuild your compass? I highly recommend working with me 1:1. Learn more here about what it’s like to work with me, what past clients have said, and more.

Your compass – part 1

Remember how I said I wanted to talk about your compass + your engine this month? I thought we could start with the compass — that part of you that tells you what direction to go in life (since your engine isn’t that useful, if you don’t know what direction to go.)

So here’s one reminder: 

The more you do use your compass, the easier it is to use.

Your compass — which we could also call your authentic truth, your knowing, your sense of “right”-ness — is like a muscle. The more you use it, the easier it is to use. 

Ask a professional ballerina to lift her leg above her head – and she can do it immediately, and with ease. 

Ask me to do it, and I can’t. I’ve spent almost no time building that muscle – it’s not strong enough, and the connection between me and my leg isn’t strong enough. 

The more often you get in touch with your truest desires — about anything, including what you want to eat for dinner, whether you like that water bottle, or how you actually feel about your office mate — the easier those desires will be to hear about the more complex, thorny, subtle parts of life. 

And the opposite is also true. The less you listen to your sense of truth, or authenticity, or right-ness, or whatever you want to call it — the harder it will be to hear. 

…

Part of my job as a coach is to give my clients exercises to build their own know-your-true-desires muscles. 

If you’re interested in doing a little muscle-building this month (a fascinating exercise to do especially around the holidays), here is one of the most common versions I give to my clients: 

Strengthening your ability to listen to your yeses and no’s

Typically, I will just focus on either yeses or no’s – so pick one. For whichever one you choose: 

1. Start by remembering what it is to feel a “yes” or a “no.”
   
   Think of at least one time in your past when you felt a visceral, full-body yes or no –an 8 or a 9 on a 10-point scale.
   
   Maybe it was walking into the house you eventually bought (a “yes!”), or when you dragged yourself to your job that you hated (a “no”)! Maybe it was the last time you went out with that boyfriend, when every part of you knew it was over (a “no”) — or when you realized you loved your wife (a “yes”).
   
   The point is to re-remember what that physical sensation was like, so you can recognize it for step #2.
   
   
   

2. For the next week, track your yeses or no’s. 
   
   Keep a running list, for the next 7 days, of every single yes (or no) you feel, plus some small notes about what the physical sensation in your body was like (“I felt a closing in my chest,” “my belly felt tight,” “my back felt expansive.”)
   
   Many of these will be silly, trivial yeses or no’s. You might feel a yes (or no) about what shoes you’ll wear, about bedtime with your kids, about cleaning up your office.
   
   But they are important – they are strengthening the muscle of listening, so you have it when you most need it.
   
   
   

…

I’m just going to say it again: 

Your connection with yourself — with your authentic truth, your knowing, your sense of “right”-ness — is like a muscle. The more you use it, the easier it is to use. 

Happy Know-Your-True-Desires Month, everyone ☺ 

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.

Katie

p.s. Would you like to work with me 1:1? Here's what one past client said about her experience:

“I feel like I'm a lighter, happier version of myself and a better partner, friend, and coworker than I was a year ago (my boyfriend outwardly agrees to anyone I say that to).”

Learn more here.

Back to the basics: Your engine + your compass

I’m not a big New Years Resolution-type. It never made sense to me to set splashy goals in a season when I typically just need a good veg on the couch. 

Instead, this January, I thought it could be fun to return to some of my core concepts — the things I tell clients day-in, day-out. The basics we all need.

For today: Let’s talk about the two things you absolutely cannot do without, to have a life that works for you: 

1. An engine

2. A compass

A compass is what tells you what direction to go in. And an engine is what actually takes you there. 

You need both. 

If you have an engine but no compass, you can be driving around all day (or all decade), but it never quite feels like where you truly want to be. 

If you have a compass but no engine, you know what you want but cannot freaking make progress towards it. 

Typically, if someone finds their way to me, they’ve got an issue with one or both. 

(If it’s both, I tend to treat the compass first, because there’s no use in having a functioning engine if you exhaust the car driving in random directions). 

In the next few weeks, I’ll give a couple of ideas on helping you with both your Compass + your engine, but two questions + two ideas to start us off right this new year: 

1. Question: Which of these do you tend to rely on more? Your compass, or your engine?
   
   Idea: It could be an interesting experiment, this January, to let yourself give your dominant mode a rest, and let the other take the wheel for a bit. Compass-dominant people might have a really powerful month of checking in with themselves less, and powering forward. Engine-dominant people might have their minds blown if they slow down for a bit and really get directionality right.
   
   
   

2. Question: Is any of these completely broken and needs to be taken to the mechanic to be repaired, or completed revamped?
   
   Idea: If so, what would your “mechanic” be? A game-changing book? A podcast? A conversation with an insightful friend? A therapist or a coach? Here’s more about working with me, if you’d like. 

…

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week (and year) ahead. You’ve got this. 

Katie

p.s. Ready to work on both your compass and engine in 2024? I’d highly recommend working with me 1:1. Learn more here.

People who are good at everything + their common problems

Some percentage of people who work with me are what I call “People Who Are Good at Everything.” 

People Who Are Good at Everything are not good at absolutely everything. But they are often excellent in at least a few of the following ways: 

Their bosses love them

They get great feedback at work

They are skilled in sports and/or the arts

They were excellent students

They are charming and charismatic with new acquaintances

Many people want to date them

Of course, there are clear advantages to being someone who is Good at Everything. 

And yet, I have also noticed as a coach, that some (though not all) People Who Are Good at Everything develop a common problem. 

It’s this: They forget how to know what they want.  

…

We might assume that People Who Are Good at Everything would be excellent at knowing what they want. After all, they have so many amazing options to choose from — whether that be jobs, girlfriends, or colleges.  

And yet, I have observed that some People Who Are Good at Everything can become quite disconnected from what they want, for at least three reasons: 

1. They become addicted to being appreciated and adored.
   
   Several of my clients who are Good at Everything have excelled at jobs that they didn’t particularly like anymore. It was hard to leave, because they were getting such great feedback from their bosses and colleagues and clients. Everyone adored them! They were killing it!
   
   I’ve also witnessed someone who was very good at getting boyfriends to adore her, who stayed for months and sometimes years in relationships in which she didn’t adore the boyfriend. It felt so good to be adored!
   
   Of course, positive feedback is important. But also, we can become over-reliant on it, to the point that we value them-liking-us so much, we forget about the importance of whether we like them.
   
   
   

2. They are particularly susceptible to valuing impressiveness over their personal truth.
   
   This is not to say that the impressive choice is never the right choice – sometimes it is! But for some People Who Are Good at Everything, their default becomes to just pick the impressive choice — because it is elite, because other people want it, because they can.
   
   When we, over and over, default to picking the impressive choice without deeply inquiring about whether it is authentically right for us — our ability to even know what we want can atrophy…because we’re not using it.
   
   
   

3. They can be unaccustomed to the discomfort of going after something that they want.
   
   Sometimes, People Who Are Good at Everything can get accustomed to things coming easily. They are used to a lot of positive feedback, and a lot of great options. 
   
   But what they authentically want might require seeking out something that is not currently choosing them — they might have to go out there and get that job, relationship, or opportunity. They might face uncertainty on that journey, and come up against rejection and failure many times. This — to put it mildly — can totally suck.
   
   For people who are not Good at Everything, well, this is just how life is — you gotta go after what you choose, things often don’t choose you.
   
   But People Who Are Good at Everything sometimes lack those calluses, those muscles. They sometimes think that if something isn’t choosing them right now…it’s not meant for them.
   
   But that isn’t necessarily true. It can just be that going after what you want can be really tough. 
   
   
   

…

I wanted to share this concept because I suspect that many of you reading this are also People Who Are Good at Everything. 

You don’t have to be a supermodel or a Heisman Trophy winner to be someone who is Good at Everything. You could be like this in only your professional life, or only your romantic life, or only in your friendships. 

It has been empowering for my clients to hear that there are a specific set of problems that sometimes come along with being this type of person. 

And, of course, while solutions are always deeply personal, there are also some common themes: 

• Re-remember how to know what you want, and how to be with the discomfort of the journey. Make sure your compass and engine are strong.  

• Reach out for help and support if you need it – I’d highly recommend working with me 1:1, if you’re feeling intrigued. 

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this. 

Katie

p.s. One of my clients who recently finished working with me wrote:

""These are lessons that I could potentially have learned ""on my own"" after another 1-2 decades of life experience, but the fact I have made such progress in 12 months means that working with Katie has easily been the best investment I've made in myself in my adulthood.""

I feel so moved by her saying that. If you'd like to work with me — I currently have two openings for new clients — learn more + reach out here.

My parenting role model

Back in 2019, I read my favorite parenting “advice” essay of all time.

I was not a parent. 
I was not even pregnant. 

And yet, it inspired me as a human being. And now that I’m a parent, it inspires me even more. 

The essay was called “My Mom was a Fast Food Cook”, and it was written by Mindy Berry Walker, who is now a mom with kids of her own, about her childhood in the 1970’s.

Walker’s mom, Mrs. Berry, was a full-time teacher, with three kids, who also played tennis nearly every afternoon after teaching.

Just let that sink in — especially if you’re a parent. 

Full-time teacher. 
Three kids. 
Tennis every afternoon. 

How did she do it? Well, in Walker’s words, “it probably helped that she didn’t have to rush home to prep dinner.” The family ate fast food most nights. 

Chinese food, Italian, burgers – in their small town 70 miles south of St. Louis, there weren’t even that many options in the late 1970’s. It was a huge upgrade when a Taco Bell came to town and they could get Mexi-Melts. 

Here’s what Walker said: 

“I didn’t think much about my childhood dinner routine until about a year ago when I was out with fellow over-worked, over-stretched friends, and we were discussing the impossibility of finding time to exercise.

“I mentioned that my mom had played tennis nearly every afternoon after teaching when I was growing up. “How did she squeeze it in?” they asked.

“I explained it probably helped that she didn’t have to rush home to prep dinner. Brows furrowed in question. But the audible gasps didn’t come until I said, “And she never felt guilty about her choice! I never heard my mom say, ‘What’s wrong with me? I should cook more.’”

Oh man, I feel relaxed and frankly, delighted, whenever I hear that story. 

Walker says that she’d like to think not cooking dinner was some fabulous form of 1970’s feminist protest, but ultimately, she thinks that her mom just didn’t like to cook. “She didn’t find it relaxing or rewarding to “have something in the oven.” Her own mother didn’t get satisfaction from making meals, and she didn’t encourage my mom, or any of us, to take it up.” 

And, in fact: “Once she decided that she could be a good mom—the best mom, I’d venture—without being on stovetop duty every night, and that she and my dad were okay with the cost, the routine was set.”

Personally, I think of Mrs. Berry often. I love that she knew her priorities — fun exercise trumped cooking — and she freaking followed them. 

…

So, today, I thought I’d share it with you: 

In what area of your life could you be better (a better parent, employee, friend, spouse) — by letting yourself follow your truest priorities, and not feel guilty? 

What about your life could you ask: What would Mrs. Berry do?

…

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.

Katie

p.s. For some of you, there’s a big, ahem, holiday tomorrow. What do you think Mrs. Berry would do about that day?


p.p.s. Would you like to work with me 1:1 in the new year? Here's what one past client said about her experience:

“I feel like I'm a lighter, happier version of myself and a better partner, friend, and coworker than I was a year ago (my boyfriend outwardly agrees to anyone I say that to).”

Learn more here.

Lessons from a pediatric neurologist

One of my sons has epilepsy, and has taken five different medications over the past few years. 

Each time we try a new medication, his pediatric neurologist (who will be sainted after she dies, I’m pretty sure) discusses the range of medication dosage with me and my husband. 

And then, every time, she says: “But we should start at the minimum viable dose.” 

In other words: If my son could take between .5 and 2 mL per kg of bodyweight, let’s start at the bottom and only increase if necessary. 

Greater dose, most people agree, comes with more side effects. 
So start with the minimum viable dose.

One of my consistent observations as a life coach has been: Most of us do not start at the minimum dosage. 

Of course, this observation is not new. We take on too much, we exhaust ourselves, blah, blah, blah. 

But recently, I’ve had a new insight about it: Many of us lack the imagination for what a minimum viable dosage *could* be. 

…

Here’s the thing: my son’s neurologist knows, for a fact, the range of suggested ml/kg of body weight that can be effective. For most of the medications my son has taken, it’s typically already been established in the research literature. 

For us in the non-medical world, I think part of the problem is that we *think* we’re doing a small dose. We think 30 minutes a day of exercise or writing or journaling, for example, is doable and sustainable — while also being efficacious towards our goals.

But what if that’s nowhere near the minimum viable dose? 

One of the great joys of working with my 1:1 clients, is that from my experience and skill, I can give them outrageously doable assignments that nonetheless help them achieve their goals. But today, I just want to offer that idea for you to chew on: 

“30 minutes a day” might become “30 minutes once a week.” 

“Actually do three things this week” might become “Just make a list of three things you could do, this week.” 

“Take the next key step” might become “identify the next key step, and just think about it each day this week.”

Over and over and over, my clients make more progress with me than they would on their own. There’s many reasons for that, but think it’s not so dissimilar from what my son’s neurologist knows: 

With greater dose, comes more side effects. 

I keep the dose quite low, minimize side effects, and my clients are better able to reap the positive effects of the “treatment” (to use that medical metaphor.) 

…

So I would offer you this week: How could you significantly lower your dosage? 

In my clinical experience, it still might be quite potent. 

…

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.

Katie



p.s. The most successful people in the world have coaches — from CEOs to Olympic athletes. Which makes sense; successful people get that way by being open to discovering blind spots, re-examining old beliefs, and trying new things.

Why not you?

If you'd like to work with me 1:1 — learn more here.

It’s okay to know, and not take action

Remember how we talked about confusion last week? I wanted to add a quick additional note (something I tell clients all the time):  

Sometimes the reason we are mired in the Land of Confusion is because we are not yet ready to take action.

If we took action…

We might have to find a new job.
Have a really dicey conversation with our mom. Or our boss.
Get divorced.
Move.
Do something that our friend wouldn’t like.
Make some tough financial choices.

So here’s a reminder:

You can know the explosive, scary, radical thing…and not take action until you are ready.
You can know the explosive, scary, radical thing…and not tell a single soul yet.
You can know the explosive, scary, radical thing…and keep your life exactly the same for as long as you want.  

But just knowing it — clearly + explicitly, within your own heart + mind — it will make you feel calmer, more grounded, stronger.

It will help you.

And you can wait as long as you freakin’ want to actually move forward.

…

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie 

p.s. Interested in working with me for new 1:1 clients? I have a few spots open for new clients. I’m a skillful, experienced coach, and there is nothing that I love more than blowing my clients minds about what’s possible for them. (I know that’s cheesy, but it’s true.)

Learn more about working with me here.

On confusion

Recently, several of my clients — all in very different situations — were confused.

Confused about what they want next in a job.
Confused about how to find more time, as a busy executive.
Confused about whether to continue in an unconventional relationship.

They told me the same thing: I don’t know what to do! Maybe finding an answer is impossible! 

But with a bit of poking, a lot of listening, and some key coaching tools, it became clear: they did know what to do.

Of course, once they knew what they wanted...they had some other problems: fear, guilt, uncertainty.

If they know what type of job they want, will they be able to find it?
If they know what they need to cut from their schedule, will someone be mad? Or judge them?
If they continue in an unconventional relationship, will they get hurt?

These are not insignificant problems. These are clutch-your-heart problems, take-deep-breaths, make-sure-you-manage-your-anxiety problems.

But here’s what I told them: in almost every situation, it is typically better to at least know your true desires and opinions, rather than be “confused.”  

Knowing your true desires doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get what you want.
And knowing your true opinion doesn’t mean that other people won’t judge you for it, or that you’ll never encounter unintended consequences.

But you’ll have to face the fear and uncertainty and potential judgement whenever you figure out what you want – so you might as well move onto that phase sooner rather than later.

…

For many of us, we feel lost in confusion, when actually, we are capable of knowing what we want and believe.

Is knowing what we want and believe the end of the road? Heck no.

But least spare yourself the suffering of “confusion.”
At least tell *yourself* the truth.

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie  

---

Want to receive essays like this every Sunday morning? Sign up for my newsletter!

My December intentions (and yours, too?)

Thanksgiving is done, December lies ahead.

Whew.

If you’re anything like me, you might not need more “self development ideas and insights” in this exact moment. You might feel a little full-to-the-brim with a combination of turkey, pecan pie, and social plans.

So instead, I wanted to ask: what are your intentions for December?

When I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and really answer that question, here’s my honest answer: I want to take good care of myself in December.

My life has been — shall we say — energetically expensive this year (actually, the past two or three years, but who’s counting?). I’ve been saving as much energy as I can, but the “energy bill” is coming in high nonetheless.

If I’m being honest, I felt some grief that “take good care of myself” was my honest intention for December.

I would have preferred a more “glamorous” answer, like:

Really enjoy the holiday season!

Make tons of holiday memories!

Go sledding and have an incredible birthday party and really decorate for Christmas!


But my honest answer remained the same: I want to take good care of myself this month.

And look, holidays will be had. I’m excited to light a menorah with my 3-year-olds, to decorate a tree, to make Christmas cookies.

But also, I’m purposefully keeping things simple:

• I’d like to eventually have more holiday décor for our home, but I won’t be buying it this year. #I’vemadeenoughdecisionsalready
  ​
  

• My birthday is in December, and I often enjoy a party with friends, but this year will just be a small, family dinner.
  ​
  

• We’ll probably wait to make Christmas cookies until the new year. (Hey, chocolate-dipped shortbread also tastes delicious on January 1!)
  ​
  

I wish I had more “glamorous” intentions…but I don’t. Yes, I feel some grief about that — but I also feel profound gratitude towards myself, for listening so carefully to my deepest desires.

…

I share this personal note, not because you care when I make chocolate-dipped shortbread cookies — but with the hopes that it gives you permission to honestly acknowledge your most authentic intentions.

Whether you want to play or hibernate, grow or contract, connect or fall apart – I hope you’ll give yourself a loving ear, and follow what you hear.

What are your intentions for December? I’ll be rooting for you.

Katie

An alternative to “thriving”

One of my jobs is to help my clients develop a vision for their lives (and sometimes nudge them towards visions bigger than they would create on their own).

As part of that work, we frequently discuss the idea that “ok” is not what we are striving for.

I mean, “ok” is awesome. It’s amazing. In some seasons, it’s something that feels far off in the distance, a desert mirage. But also, if we’re always settling for “ok,” we may feel ourselves yearning for more.

But the question then arises: What are we shooting for instead?

 For at least some people, a word like “thriving” feels like…too much. Too far off, too distant, too…impossible. Have you ever felt that way?

For folks in that position, a word like “balanced” can be much more useful + inspiring.

When we start to explore the “balance” question, many of my clients realize: oh yeah, all I do is work and spend time with my kids.

If you don’t feel as good as you’d like, I can almost guarantee you aren’t balanced in a way that you have intentionally chosen, between work, rest, kids, partner, friends, family, hobbies, spirituality, and health.

Being unbalanced can be okay — and may be a necessity — in some seasons of life. But if you do it in the long term, eventually you start to feel hallowed out from the inside.

In a 1:1 coaching engagement, the whole point is to identify the problem — like a lack of balance — and then, together, actually change the situation. (If that’s of interest to you, learn more here.)

But for this weekend, I wanted to offer you some questions to ask yourself:


1.     Does “balance” resonate with you as a goal?

2.     In what areas of your life do you feel out of balance? Often these are areas like creativity, connection, rest.

3.     What is one thing you could do for 15-20 minutes today, to feel more balanced?
 

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

On being seen

A question for your weekend:

What would you gain if you let them see you accurately?

So many of us are holding up facades — facades that prevent the world from seeing our anxiety, our insecurity, our imposter-ness.

But what if you just...let other people see? I know it's a big ask, and perhaps one that is scary or complex to implement.

But the rewards are big, too. On a personal level, my coaching got a lot better when I decided to just let my clients see that sometimes I was nervous or unsure. In fact, I think I seemed a lot less nervous or unsure when I wasn't also trying to hide that from them.

And, perhaps even more importantly: it was so much less tiring. Holding up a facade takes an enormous amount of energy. You may have forgotten how much energy it takes if holding it up is your life-as-usual.

How much energy would you get back if you just let them see you accurately?

As always, I know you’ve got this.

Katie

---

Want to receive essays like this every Sunday morning? Sign up for my newsletter!