Want to do a Q&A?

This week, someone emailed me for advice about a big career decision. I sent her back a few thoughts, and she sent me back the sweetest email – she was so grateful, and it seems that it made a big difference in the final decision she made.

It occurred to me: I bet you some questions that you’d love some guidance or ideas on.

I typically only provide email coaching for my 1:1 clients. (This week’s email was the exception, not the rule!) But I’d love to answer some of your questions on my podcast,  Now We’re Getting Somewhere !

Maybe you have a very specific question you’d like me to cover?
Or a more general topic that you’re struggling with?

I actually think it’s a generous thing to submit a question — if you’re struggling with something, there’s probably many people who are struggling in the same way, even if the particulars are different.

You can submit a question here. 

…

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.  

Katie

p.s. As you get this, I will be midway through my 20-ish hour journey with toddlers to visit my in-laws and Portugal. On this, of all weeks, won’t you please also root for me?

Something I’ve been saying to all my clients recently

Here’s something I’ve been saying to seemingly all of my clients recently:

“What if you feel like garbage when you do it…

…and *nothing* is wrong?”

We may know that we need to close our laptops at 6 pm so we can rest + rejuvenate…

Or stop accepting meeting requests from that low-priority project…

Or walk our dog in the middle of the day so we can clear our heads and come back mentally sharper…

…And we may feel like absolute garbage when we do it.

Jumpy in our bodies.

Minds racing.

Worried that we are making a terrible mistake, or that someone will be super mad at us.

This is a tough situation. These actions (closing the laptop, turning down the meetings, walking the dog) are supposed to make us feel better. Is something wrong, if they make us feel absolutely terrible?

The answer is clear: No.

No, nothing is wrong. In fact, it's completely normal to feel like absolute garbage the first 5 times we do something that is hard + scary + out-of-the ordinary for us. 

Of course, we can take action to feel less jumpy or mind race-y (see also: journaling, lying on the floor). But even if we do all the positive personal development in the world, it may still take at least 5 times, or 10 times (and occasionally more), before our nervous system + our mind calms down enough for us to reap the full benefits of those activities.

What if it could feel terrible and garbage-y… and nothing could be wrong?

…

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead.

Katie

p.s. Would you like to work with me 1:1? My clients do higher quality work with less time and effort, change careers, finally write that screenplay, make more money, cultivate deeper friendships, and improve their marriages.

And, even more importantly, they feel: clearer about their paths and their values, more confident, more satisfied, and like they have more energy, calm, meaning, and joy.

 Learn more here.  

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Who do you become when you’re awkward? (A personal story)

I started taking tango classes last July. My weekly classes have felt profoundly nourishing for so many reasons: The dancing! The thinking with my body-not-my-mind! The shoes!

And another reason is that it’s put me into contact with a bunch of adults I’ve never met before, who are just there to have fun + learn.

The minimal chit-chatting before class, after class, and between dances has been nourishing in a way I didn’t expect. It turns out that after COVID, working as a solopreneur, and having young kids, I haven’t been making that much chill, friendly adult chit-chat anymore.

And yet, I’ve also noticed that I often feel mildly awkward, in these social interactions with people I don’t know.

And when I’m awkward, I get jokey.

I smile extra big.
I make more jokes.
I take every interaction as a possibility to be playful.

Truthfully, from the outside, it probably just seems like I’m a friendly, fun person.

And I am a friendly, fun person. That’s a true, real side of me.

But also: my playful, jokey side is something I lean on and escalate, when I feel awkward. And when I turn up the volume on my jokiness, I miss out on the chance to have a slightly deeper, slightly more authentic interaction.

…

A short aside about authentic interaction: it’s not that I expect to have the deepest conversation of my life while everyone is changing shoes after tango class.

But I do believe that there can be a subtle difference in the quality of conversation when I am present with myself and others, and choose to share something from my in-the-moment, direct experience.

Even if the conversation is still playful and fun, even if jokes are still made, it also feels…deeper, richer, and more connecting.

More thoughts on that here, if you like.

…

Noticing this about myself made me think of many of my clients, who all have their own crutches when they feel awkward:

One client gets extra sassy and sarcastic.
Another starts leading the conversation, sharing a lot of funny and interesting stories about herself.
Another defaults to listening — asking amazing questions, but sharing very little about herself.

Each of these crutches reflects something true about my clients — they are hilariously sarcastic, a dynamic storyteller, or an incredible listener, respectively.

But also, each of them can tell when they are turning up the volume on this quality as a crutch. And they can all tell that this crutch is causing them to lose out on the opportunity for more authentic, deeper connection.

…

I think the process for shifting from our personality crutches to more authentic interaction happens in three stages: after, before, and during.

Here’s how I’m trying to apply it to tango:

1. After
In the beginning, you’ll probably only be able to even notice that it’s happening…after it has already happened. I think the first step is just noticing: wow, I was kind of relying on that thing that I do when I feel awkward. I would like to show up a bit more authentically next time.

2. Before
Next time, before that kind of social interaction, you might set an intention. I’m going to say to myself: I’d like to show up a bit more authentically and present next time, instead of just defaulting to trying to say something funny.

3. During
I’m going to try remind to myself, 1-2x during tango class: to breathe, and to stay in my body. (Often when I feel awkward, I become just a floating head who is trying to say something funny and interesting.) At those times, I’ll try to repeat to myself: It’s okay to feel awkward and It’s okay for them to *see* you feeling a little awkward; you don’t have to hide it.

And then, also, I want to try to find opportunities to say something true, instead of something purely jokey, even if we’re just talking about something simple like how hard it can be to find time for hobbies when you have kids.

…

I wonder: what is your personality crutch when you feel awkward?

This week, you might notice where it shows up, and consider turning down the volume a bit to let your more authentic self show.

As always, I’m rooting for you.
Katie

Your most important job, and 3 ideas for how to do it well

Here’s something I’ll go to the mat for:

The most important thing you can do each day is managing your energy effectively.

Nothing else in your life will get done effectively, if you don’t have enough energy. And seemingly, unrelated things — procrastinating, struggling to know what you want in life, struggling to focus, for example — are often tied to a lack of energy.

I think that this problem is — quite frankly — at the level of a crisis.

It’s a crisis for the people who are exhausted, most of the time.
It’s a crisis for their partners, their friends, and their kids — who never get to experience them when they’re not exhausted.
And it’s a crisis for the world — for the great things they will never do because they are too exhausted.  

I want to tell you three things that I passionately believe about managing your energy effectively.

1.     You have agency.

2.     Planning out on what and when you’ll work has a pretty insane ROI.

3.     Stop burning $100 bills in the fireplace.

Let me say more about each of these:


1. You have agency.

Many people believe that more energy is simply not possible for them. I have kids/a busy job/so many responsibilities. I just need to keep pushing for the next year or so.

Of course, life circumstances do contribute to you having limited energy. And, of course, systemic issues do, as well.

But also: You are contributing to your lack of energy. You are likely contributing far more than you think.

Here’s how I know: I have never found a 1:1 life coaching client who I couldn’t help find more energy (and time), if it was something that they wanted. Did it sometimes require thinking creatively or making some tradeoffs? Sure. But those tradeoffs were always net positive for them.


2. Planning out on what and when you’ll work has a pretty insane ROI.

Planning “on what” you’ll work means being very clear on: What are actually the 1-3 most important things for you to accomplish at work, today?

Planning “when” you’ll work means literally deciding: when will you do this? Typically, this means looking at your calendar each morning (or the night before), and identifying blocks of uninterrupted time (no checking email!) when you can make meaningful progress.

Both of these activities require unflinching honesty:

• How long will it actually take you to do that task? (Not how many will it take in a dream-rockstar-productivity world. But how long with it take your real, human, sometimes-sensitive-and-tired self take?)
  

• How many hours a day, and how many minutes in a row, can your brain actually do challenging work? (Ditto the above. Plan for your real, human, sometimes-sensitive-and-tired self.)
  

For most of us, things take longer, and we have less capacity to work, than we’d like to imagine.

And yet, the results from that honesty, planning, and undistracted execution are astonishing. It is the only way to work less while getting higher-quality work done. And isn’t that what we all want?


3. Stop burning $100 bills in the fireplace.

Many of us chronically over-tired folks act like people with $10,000 of credit card debt who also burn $100 bills in the fireplace every night “for warmth.”  

Your nightly 2-hour Instagram or YouTube habit? The way you check your email every 15 minutes? It is making you more tired.

And yes, this issue is complex. Sometimes we’re so tired that we feel that we need that little jolt of dopamine to get through our exhausting lives.

But I need to be honest with you: overall, you are making yourself more tired.

You simply can’t afford to leak energy like this. 

To be clear: I’m not an advocate of going cold turkey on tech usage. For most of us, that just doesn’t work. But even small actions can make a difference. And it’s not just technology! Most of us have other things that are leaking our energy as well.

But it's worth it to answer the question with unflinching honesty: What are the obvious things that I’m doing, that are like burning $100 bills in the fireplace?

…

Sometimes, when our brains are chronically tired, it’s hard to remember: wait, how do I get less tired?

So here’s a reminder:

1.     Remember that you have agency. You can find more energy. It’s possible.

2.     Remember that planning out on what and when you’ll work has a pretty insane ROI. Just decide what matters most + when you’ll do it, each day. Being reactive with your workday is a recipe for working far more hours than you truly need to.

3.     Stop burning $100 bills in the fireplace. You are likely making yourself more tired. See if you can reduce some of those activities to get your energy back.

And above all, please know that I’m rooting for you in the week ahead – and always.

You’ve got this.

Katie

Does everyone around you *also* work too much?

One of the biggest causes of exhaustion and burnout is…everyone else at your job. 

You might want to stop at 5:30 pm…
You might want to take a real lunch break away from your computer and IM…
You might want to go to fewer meetings, or make your meetings shorter and more efficient…

…but if everyone else at your job is working late and on weekends, staying constantly active in their email, and bloating your calendar with meetings…it can feel impossible to do anything differently. 

Here’s the thing: You need to know other people who are doing things differently. 

We’re pack animals. We’re creatures of community. We are constantly watching those around us, and taking our cues from them. 

Of course, learning how to think for ourselves is an important skill. 

But if you’re trying to do something that’s hard…why not just make it easier? 

Why not find a community that shares your values + your actions? 

…

In 10 Hours Back, you’ll meet 9 other warm, deep, insightful folks — who are also committed to doing excellent work… while having more time + energy for everything else that they value. 

Sharing values with 9 other people, doing the same exercises and homework, and getting coached with 9 other people — it sets you up for success. And not just success — it sets you up to enjoy the process — because you will fundamentally know that you’re not alone. 

When you’re leaving earlier, and noticing that everyone else at your job is still at your desks (or still active on IM), and your chest feels jumpy...you’ll have this community.

When your coworker makes a comment that lets you know that he… noticed… that you left earlier than usual…you’ll have this community. 

You’ll have emails in your inbox, every day, from them, sharing how they’re doing, what they’re loving, and what they’re struggling with. 

You’ll have their vulnerability, and their courage, as they share in our sessions what’s working for them — and what felt hard. 

You’ll see them get coached on something you haven’t yet had to face – so later, you’ll be able to do it, too. 

…

Haven’t heard of 10 Hours Back? It’s my small group program starting in May — I’ll be helping a small group of professional implement doable, practical changes to reduce their workweeks by 10 hours — without sacrificing quality. 

I’ll open enrollment to the 10 Hours Back waitlist first, starting on April 1 — and there are already more people on the waitlist than spots in the group. So if you’re interested…get on that waitlist! 

You can learn more + sign up for the waitlist here.

…

As always, I'm rooting for you. 

Katie

p.s. My small group program, 10 Hours Back, includes the following:

• 12 group coaching calls to help you get 10 hours back from your workweek

• Client portal, including a simple curriculum, exercises, replays, and additional resources

• Weekly email support in between coaching calls to maximize results

• Final 1:1 Planning Call so that you have exact steps on how to continue this work after the program ends

• And more surprises!
  

The investment is $5k, with payment plans available. In the first 30 days, you’ll have clear ideas on how to shave time off your work calendar, and will introduce more meaning + joy into your personal and professional life.


Here’s the link to sign up for the waitlist.

“But I want to be a team player!”

Typically, when I ask my clients how to reduce their working hours, they have at least a few ideas.

There are some meetings I could say “no” to.
I could take a real lunch break — which I’m actually allowed, in my contract, to take.
I could delegate better to the people who work for me.

Of course, I have even more ideas for them — but it’s not like they have no idea where to start. It’s that they can’t bring themselves to actually implement those ideas.

In other words – the biggest problem isn’t the how. It’s the why. There are usually nuanced, personal reasons why they haven’t implemented those actions to reduce their hours:

A few, for recent clients, include:

• “I’m afraid of letting something slip.”

• “I want to be a team player.”

• “I deeply care about my organization’s mission — I don’t want to be selfish or self-serving.”

Look, if you believe that it’s a choice of being a team player or 10 hours back…I get why you’d often choose to be a team player! Ditto for letting something slip, or supporting your organization’s mission.

Here’s the magic of 10 Hours Back: I will help you reduce your hours, while being less likely to let something slip, being more of a team player, and more invested in your organization’s mission.

Yep, I mean it.

When you're fresh, well-rested, and mentally sharp, you are able to identify + efficiently address the most important tasks, help your colleagues in the highest value-add way, and do the creative + cognitively challenging work your organization truly needs.

In 10 Hours Back, I’ll be teaching a 4-part model to help you use your brain at its most efficient and effective — so you can cut hours without worrying about letting others down.

On our 90-minute coaching calls, I’ll coach you on your specific fears and hesitations — so you can actually implement these changes and not let anxiety hold you back from doing what’s best for you, your team, and your organization.

Everyone benefits when you get 10 Hours Back.

…

I’ll open enrollment to the 10 Hours Back waitlist first, starting on April 1 — and there are already twice as many people on the waitlist as spots in the group. So if you’re interested…get on that waitlist!

You can learn more + sign up for the waitlist here.​

…

As always, I'm rooting for you in the week ahead. You've got this.

Katie

p.s. My small group program, 10 Hours Back, includes the following:

• 12 group coaching calls to help you get 10 hours back from your workweek

• Client portal, including a simple curriculum, exercises, replays, and additional resources

• Weekly email support in between coaching calls to maximize results

• Final 1:1 Planning Call so that you have exact steps on how to continue this work after the program ends

• And more surprises!

The investment is $5k, with payment plans available. In the first 30 days, you’ll have clear ideas on how to shave time off your work calendar and will be able to introduce more meaning + joy into your personal and professional life.

 Here’s the link to sign up for the waitlist. ​

Announcing: 10 Hours Back

Today’s announcement is for you if you’ve ever wanted more hours in your week.

If you’ve ever thought I’d love to find a way to work 10 fewer hours at my job, so I could have more time + energy for my… life.

Well, today, I want to offer it to you.
Literally.

Today, I want to announce 10 Hours Back.​

(!!!!)

In 10 Hours Back, I’ll be helping professionals reduce their workweeks by 10 hours – no matter their work culture, industry, or boss. It’s a 4-month, small-group coaching program.

That’s such a radical, wild, fabulous idea, that I just want to say it again: I will be helping a small group of professionals reduce their workweek by 10 hours.

10 hours back. Per week.

…

Too many of us are chronically too tired, too busy, and too stressed. And a big part of the reason is that we work… a lot.

But too often, it just feels like this is what it is to be a working adult. I mean, isn’t that what your colleagues, your best friend, and your college classmates are also doing? Working a lot, feeling squeezed from all directions?

And I say: it may be that everyone you know is acting this way. But actually, it’s not at all inevitable.

For years now, I’ve been helping my 1:1 clients cultivate better work-life balance, by working fewer hours without sacrificing work quality. It’s a real passion of mine because in my first corporate job, I struggled in a huge way with figuring out how to do good work without losing my life outside of work (and was convinced that only geniuses or unicorns could pull it off.)

The truth is: You don’t have to be a genius to work less in your career without sacrificing quality. Or a unicorn.

But you need to learn new skills, take new actions, and relate to your work and life a bit differently. And it can be very hard to pull off on your own — help can be a game-changer.

The group will start in May, and enrollment will open to the waitlist starting in April. There are only 10 spots available, so I’d recommend signing up for the waitlist because there is a good chance it will sell out.

Curious? Lit up with a technicolor fire at the idea of getting 10 hours back each week?

Learn more + sign up for the waitlist here.​

…

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

p.s. Here’s that link again, to learn more about 10 Hours Back. Because if you’re anything like I was, you’d freaking love 10 hours back each week.

p.p.s. I share more about 10 Hours Back, why I started it, and my work-life balance role model on this week’s podcast. Listen here.

Something I’ve been reminding myself lately

Lately, when I’ve been anxious or stressed, here’s something I’ve been saying to myself:

Is anything actually wrong, outside of the swirling thoughts in my head?

And then I will empirically and freshly answer the question, by looking around me.

Does that sound weird? Confusing? I’ll give a personal example: The last time I did this, a week ago, I was sitting in my living room, totally spun out and anxious about something.  

And then:

I looked at the blue-grey Ikea couch I was sitting on.
That was fine.

I looked around my living room, over to my table.
Nothing wrong with that – my husband was nearby. My kids were asleep in their cribs. The house was quiet.  

I wiggled my toes.
Nothing wrong there.
Arms and legs were fine, too.

Huh, I thought to myself. In this particular moment, on this particular Ikea couch, in my particular house…nothing is actually wrong.

Huh. Nothing is wrong right here and right now.

And just like that…anxiety went from a 10 to a 6.5.
Not gone, but definitely…quieter.

…

Of course, I am not the first person in the universe to have this revelation (see also: the Buddha). But remembering to ask the question, and empirically looking for the answer, have helped me to calm the swirling waves of emotion + worry quite a bit lately.

I wonder if this reminder might help you, too.

…

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.

Katie

Your past self's dreams

Recently, several of my clients have been telling me that they — amazingly, wonderfully — have achieved something they used to dream of.  

They have the pool, the salary, the first-class seats they dreamed of as a young girl whose parents struggled financially.

They have the international social-impact job they dreamed of as a big-hearted twenty-something.

They have the baby, the relationship, the house, they dreamed of as a former version of themselves.

And yet.

And yet, it looks different from here.
It feels different from here.
Often, it doesn’t feel as absolutely incredible as they thought.  

There’s a lot I could say, to this current version of you. (Frankly, this is often the seed that kicks off entire 1:1 coaching engagements.)

But here, today, I just want to say: don’t be the prisoner of your past self’s dream.

Your past self didn’t want you to be stuck, tired, or unhappy. You past self could not have possibly known what the view would look like from here.

Give yourself permission to dream something new.

I’ll say it again: Give yourself permission to dream something new.

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

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A common misconception about authenticity

Recently, I’ve come to realize that there’s a very common misconception about authenticity, when it comes to social interactions.

When a lot of people think about being more “authentic,” they assume they’d have to share their deepest, darkest shame – or break into tears with while chatting with another regular at their neighborhood sushi place.

I’m a big believer in authenticity. I think it’s a requirement if you want to have a life that’s meaningful, satisfying, and not exhausting (more on that in  episode 2 of my podcast , or  this ). Authenticity is that umami flavor that enriches every single social interaction or relationship.

And: I think that this perspective on what authenticity is… is completely wrong.

...

Sure, sometimes authenticity does mean sharing your deepest, darkest shame, or letting those huge feelings + tears tumble out with a trusted person. Sometimes that feels profoundly right.

But authenticity can also be talking about something mundane — the weather, your (uneventful) weekend in a way that feels present + honest.

To me, the authenticity is in the words, and in your connection to yourself.

Authentic words mean that you choose to share something just slightly more true + deep + maybe more complex than you otherwise would have. 20% more is about right – again, it doesn’t have to be your deepest shame.

Authentic connection to yourself will show up in in your delivery; were you *actually in touch with yourself* when you shared it?

We can share something brutally honest, but be dissociated, and it will feel disconnected to the other person. We can share something just slightly nuanced, but be connected with ourselves, and it will feel profoundly intimate to the other person.

I think we can all feel when we’re with someone who is engaging authentically — even if they’re just telling us about seeing their uncle for Thanksgiving, there is a depth and a freshness to it. We feel connected to them.

…

I think that everyone benefits when we choose to be more authentic in our interactions. Your benefit: it feels good to be true to yourself — there is a pressure that gets released. It is less tiring, and it can lead to a deeper feeling of connection, even to the barista at Starbucks.

And the other person benefits, too. Have you ever had a connection, even in a brief, casual way, with someone who was really present? Didn’t it feel great?

Could you try to have 1 interaction this week (or weekend), that’s just 25% more authentic?

...

Take care + stay cozy everyone. As always, I'm rooting for you.

Katie

p.s. I talk to most of my clients about authenticity — because authenticity and energy are the foundation on which everything else (major action, deeper relationships, career advancement) is built.

If you'd like to work with me 1:1,  learn more here. 

Why I only offer long-term coaching engagements

I only offer 8-month coaching engagements, and one of the most common requests I hear from potential clients is: I’m interested in hiring you, but I’d like to do something shorter. Could we do three months? One month? Could I just pay by the session?

And my answer to that is very easy:

No.

No, I unfortunately do not offer shorter-term coaching.  

Truthfully, I completely understand the desire for a shorter-term coaching engagement — eight months can seem like a lot! It can be scary to make that time and financial commitment to just one coach!

But choosing to only offer long-term coaching was a decision I made very intentionally, and with my client’s interests at heart.

I thought that today, I could share a bit about why I made that decision.

…

I’ve been coaching for over 8 years now (which is quite a long time in a young profession like coaching!), and for years I offered all kinds of flexibility in hiring me. Hire me by the session! Buy a 5-session package! A 10- or 20-session package!

But I found, time and again, that the clients who got the best results, the fastest, were the ones who made a longer-term commitment to coaching.

Did you catch that? The clients who got not only the best results, but also the fastest results, were the clients who made a longer-term commitment to coaching.

That finding was counter-intuitive to me.

I would have thought, to be honest, that it didn’t matter whether they bought a 20-session package, or ended up doing 20 sessions, on a pay-by-the-session basis. But that wasn’t the case. Not that clients who paid by the session got terrible results — they often got great ones. But the ones who made a longer commitment were much more consistently thrilled by their results, and got good results the fastest.

And as I reflected on my clients — both the ones that made longer commitments and the ones that didn’t, I came to believe this difference was due to a few things:

• The clients who made longer-term commitments were more intentional about the decision to get coached. They knew they were making a larger financial and time commitment. People who carefully consider the decision to get coached are more likely to get fantastic results — because they want coaching more, and show up in a more committed way.
  

• The clients who made longer-term commitments were willing to go deeper and get messier. The deeper + messier you are willing to go, the better your results tend to be.
  

• On a related note, the clients who made longer-term commitments tended to be more patient. They trusted that sometimes, being coached is like growing mushrooms— sometimes you don’t see anything for a few weeks, and then all of the mushrooms pop up overnight.
  
  On the flip side, some clients who made shorter-term commitments were more likely to be antsy — they wanted to get this “coaching thing” done, with the fewest possible number of sessions, to save money (which I totally understand! Coaching can be expensive!). But because they were antsy, we often had to spend our coaching sessions just dealing with their anxiety that they weren’t going fast enough, which took up time we could otherwise spend…coaching on their actual problems.
  
  

…

At this point in my career, I think that part of my job is to not just sell what you want but to sell what I know will be most helpful.

So yes, I could offer a short-term coaching engagement. It’s possible that more people would sign up for that; I might make more money. But I don’t feel right, selling people on something that will be less helpful to them.

For me, it’s an integrity issue.

…

And frankly, when people tell me they just want a 3-month coaching engagement, I smile internally to myself. I totally get why you think you want that, I think. But actually, you would be happier, in the end, if you made a longer-commitment.

…

I hope this gives a glimpse behind the curtain, into why I run my business like I do. And if you’d like to experience an 8-month coaching engagement with me, you can learn more here. I’ve got two spots currently open for new clients.

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.

Katie

New year advice, from my heart

I post these essays on Sundays, and this year, January 1 falls on a Sunday.

It’s funny — you’d think that January 1st would be an auspicious day for a life coach. The day of days. The day when we start fresh, set big goals, get going.

And yet — I’m not really that kind of life coach. Honestly, I’m not really that kind of person.

And when I reflected on January 1st, and what it means to me…what came up for me is that typically, by January 1st, I am tired.

That stretch of year from Thanksgiving to January 1st always feels like a lot to me.

And it feels like a lot to me, even as a person who is very, very, very thoughtful about her professional commitments, her social commitments, her holiday-celebration-commitments. (I’m not an elf-on-the-shelf mom, for example, and have no plans to be. I don’t choose to spend my energy there.)

And still, I usually find myself on January 1…needing to fill up the tank a bit.

So as I was reflecting on this start to the year, I just wanted to remind you:

It’s okay to be where you are.
It’s okay to want what you actually want.

Here. Now. Today.

Here, now, today, I actually want some extra rest + recharging time.

What do you actually want?

…

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

p.s. If what you want is to condense 1-2 decades of things you could "learn on your own" into 8 months, may I recommend hiring me? I currently have 2 openings for new clients. Learn more here.

One of the most exhausting things you can do (or: my favorite insight from coach training)

When I was training to be a coach, one of my mentors said to me: “One of the most exhausting things you can possibly do is try to be someone that you’re not.”

And it was one of those moments when a gong is rung, and the after-waves of noise have rippled through my life in the years, since.

One of the most exhausting things you can possibly do is try to be someone you’re not.
Woah.
Yes. 

I’ve found it to be true on a macro level of a life: the fastest way to completely exhaust ourselves is to pretend we’re someone we’re not when it comes to career, our partners, or where we live.

But I’ve also found it to be true on the micro level: a cocktail party can be exhausting or grounding, depending on how true I am to myself. An interaction with a cashier at the grocery store can be neutral, or life-affirming, depending on how authentic I am.

I remind myself of it constantly, and I’ve said it more often than I can count, to my clients. So today, I wanted to make sure I said it to you, too:

One of the most exhausting things you can possibly do is try to be someone you’re not.

…

(And, of course, knowing who you are + what you want is not necessarily straightforward. Here’s one place to start.)

As always, I'm rooting for you. You've got this.

Katie

p.s. I help my clients develop clarity + direction for their lives — and actually make meaningful progress towards a life that feels right to them. I currently have two spots open for new clients; you can find more here about working with me. 

A thought error about anxiety

I’ve been experiencing an uneasy feeling in my body.

Recently, I was anxious about a new step I was taking in my business.

Quite anxious.

As I was exploring my anxiety, I noticed that I also had the thought: Because I’m anxious, something *must* be wrong.

My clients know that one of my favorite things is identifying thought errors — subtle errors in reasoning in the brain. And it became clear to me: “Because I’m anxious, something must be wrong” was a thought error.

My brain had simply made a mistake. It wasn't true that because I was anxious, something had to be wrong.

Actually, I could be anxious, but nothing could be wrong.

Which was exactly true in this particular moment: nothing was wrong at all. Rather, my anxiety was actually simply telling me that I was at my developmental edge — doing something new, and, yes, a bit risky.

I played with a new thought, instead: I can be anxious, and nothing can be wrong.

… 

Here’s some advice that might help reduce your anxiety:

Have you ever heard the advice, in the self-development world, to just re-interpret anxiety as “excitement”? You aren’t anxious, you’re just buzzing with excitement!

I have often felt annoyed with this advice. No, I would think to myself, I’m actually anxious.

But this new thought actually did feel believable:

I can be anxious, and nothing can be wrong, I told myself.
I can be anxious, and it just means that I’m at my developmental edge. 

So, I have been reminding myself a lot lately: I can be anxious, and nothing can be wrong. I’m just at my developmental edge.

And then taking a big breath, continuing to feel anxious, and moving forward.

…

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.

Katie

p.s. Most of us have thought errors so subtle, and so personalized, that it can be hard (or impossible) to spot them on our own. That’s where working with a coach can be life-changing: just shifting a few key thoughts can completely change your experience of your own life. If you’d like to work with me, learn more here.

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2. Sign up for my free Sunday newsletter!
It has helpful ideas, insight + encouragement on topics like cultivating deeper friendships, avoiding burnout at your job, knowing what you authentically want, and being less compulsive about technology.

2. Work with me!
My clients do higher quality work with less time and effort, change careers, finally write that screenplay, make more money, cultivate deeper friendships, and improve their marriages.

And, even more importantly, they feel: clearer about their paths and their values, more confident, more satisfied, and like they have more energy, calm, meaning, and joy.

Learn more about working with me here.

On making something unique

This week’s essay is for any of you who create things.

It’s a story that’s been on my mind, from the Finnish-American photographer Anro Minkkinen (in Oliver Burkeman’s lovely book, Four Thousand Weeks). 

Minkkinen points out that a very common problem for beginner creators — or even intermediate creators — is that their work can feel unoriginal. Derivative. Generic.

Imagine, Minkkinen offers, that you're early photographer who’s spent three years working on platinum studies of nudes. You show your work to a gallery owner, only “to be told your pictures aren’t as original as you thought, because they look like knockoffs of the work of the photographer Irving Penn.”

Discouraging, right?

And, at that point, it can feel like the answer is to shift directions. To choose something new — somewhere you can distinguish yourself, be different.

And yet, Minkkinen would say, you actually should the exact opposite. To understand why, he gives a parable about Helsinki’s main bus station:

“There are two dozen platforms there, he explains, with several different bus lines departing from each one – and for the first part of the journey, each bus leaving from any given platform takes the same route through the city as all the others, making identical stops.

“Think of each stop as representing one year of your career, Minkkinen advises photography students.”

In the first few years of your career or your creative practice, you will be on the same route through the city as anyone else. Every single bus goes through the same stops in downtown Helsinki, after all.

The first one, three, or five stops (or years, in this parable) of your work will feel derivative.

Generic. Uninteresting. Perhaps boring.

But the solution? “Stay on the bus. Stay on the fucking bus,” Minkkinen says. Why?

“A little farther out on their journeys through the city, Helsinki’s bus routes diverge, plunging off to unique destinations as they head through the suburbs and into the countryside beyond. *That’s* where the distinctive work begins. But it begins at all only for those who can muster the patience to immerse themselves in the earlier stage – the trial-and-error phase of copying others, learning new skills, and accumulating experience.”

…

And as Burkeman points out: this doesn’t just apply to creative work. It applies to anything where we put in time to deepen our skills and insight.

A relationship, for example. Or at a job of any kind.

Often, the most transcendent possibilities for that relationship, job, or creative work come when we have sat on that fucking bus through all the stops through urban Helsinki, and finally reach the original, spacious, profoundly unique countryside beyond.

…

Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every Sunday morning. It’s free!

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

On letting yourself go up in flames

Recently, I was talking to a client who is exploring a significant shift in how she relates to other people.

She’s craving deeper, more authentic connection. She’s realized she has often shown up, in the past, as a more surface-level, cocktail-party-charming version of herself.

But to show up differently — deeper, more authentically…it feels very, very weird.

Like she might take longer pauses after someone spoke, to figure out what she actually wanted to say next, and the other person might think she was strange for taking so long.

Like she doesn’t even know what to share, and how to listen, as this deeper, more authentic, non-charming-cocktail-party version of herself.  

(Can I also say how much I adore my clients? The fact that they undertake this kind of important, scary transformation brings me so much joy + pride.)

…

I always want to respond to my clients’ specific concerns. So, over several sessions, we talked about what she might do: techniques for listening, talking, and staying connected with herself when she is in conversation with others.

But I also try my best to get to the root of the matter. And I told her two things, that I thought might also resonate with you.

Here’s the first one:

Sometimes, ­we need to let ourselves go up in flames, so we can be born again.

This, of course, is an allusion to the Phoenix, from Greek mythology (and, more recently, Harry Potter fame) — which literally sets itself on fire, and is born again, as a baby bird, wobbly and new.

I’m a big believer in the power of slow, iterative change. But I also believe that at least sometimes, the change that is needed will feel like burning the whole thing down and then letting yourself be strange and new and awkward. And that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

I speak from personal experience.

I have had my own periods of letting myself go up in flames. My most dramatic was in my mid-twenties, when I quit my management consulting job, shaved my head, broke up with my boyfriend, and questioned everything about how I related to my life (how did I want to spend my day? Who did I want to spend time with?). I often felt like I was blowing up my own life — I jokingly-not-jokingly referred to it to my roommates as “ka-boom-ing,” at the time.

And yet, I look back on my courage and choices during that time, as one of the things I am most proud of, in my whole life.

It took an enormous amount of courage to “ka-boom” the whole thing. And two of the things that are most precious to me — my work as a coach, and my relationship with my now-husband — started soon after that time.

I don’t think I could do the work that I do, or have connected with my husband — if I hadn’t let myself become someone new — someone with more depth, complexity, darkness, sadness, self-knowledge, and strength.

So that’s the first thing I wanted to share: Sometimes, ­there is a time to let ourselves go up in flames, so we can be born again.

…

Here’s the second thing:

Letting yourself burn down + be born again often feels more dramatic on the inside, than it looks on the outside.

During my mid-twenties conflagration, a big theme for me — like my client, actually — was trying to figure out how I could actually be authentic in interacting with others.

I was questioning my facial expressions — were they authentic? Or just performances?

I was questioning whether I was truly listening when other people spoke. This often resulted in me taking a pause after the other person spoke to process what they said; an odd move, since most conversations involve slightly overlapping talking between the participants.

I was questioning what I said — how could I say what was true, and not what was people-pleasing, or conflict-avoiding.

It was an intense time.  

And yes, sometimes, some people did not enjoy talking with me as much. They found me a little…shall we say…annoying.  

And also: during this time, I remember meeting up with an old friend who was in town for the weekend from Denver. We sat in a park by the Hudson River, soaking up the New York City springtime.

I felt nervous seeing him, because I didn’t seem to be able to “turn off” this strange internal transformation I was undergoing. I told him that I must be seeming kinda… weird.

He looked at me, and shrugged. “You seem a little tired, maybe a little quieter,” he told me. “But otherwise…fine.” 

And…whew.

Whew, what a relief it was to be able to be with this old friend, to be feeling so much, and to have him not actually experience that much of my internal, dramatic, burning-down-and-being-reborn.

It turned out that this was mostly true.

While there were some people who questioned or criticized my choices at the time, most people noticed nothing at all. Some people noticed something — but often, didn’t really care.  

And the people who even now matter the most to me — across the board, they mostly didn’t mind, or notice.

So I’ll say again: letting yourself burn down + be born again often feels more dramatic on the inside than it looks on the outside.

…

Is there a radical transformation brewing within you? I hope this helps.

And I’ll also say: it was my work with my first life coach that gave me the courage + insight to take on my own initial transformation. Many of my clients find that working with me gives them the confidence + clarity to undertake their own burning-the-whole-thing-down — if burning-the-whole-thing-down is necessary.

If you’d like to work with me 1:1, learn more here.

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

On callings

I believe that each person — if they listen quietly and carefully — knows the challenge that is next for them. 

I refer to these challenges as “callings” — because they feel like something that calls to us. Something that nags at us, begging to be dealt with. 

The word “calling” may sound a bit abstract, but callings don’t necessarily mean a quest to find the fairy elves’ secret orb. Quite the opposite: 

• Sometimes we are called to find clarity. To get clear about the next step in our career, or about what to do in a relationship.
  
  

• Sometimes we are called to build a skill. We need to be better at talking to our partner when we’re stressed without getting angry. Or showing up authentically with our friends. Or managing our team. Or working efficiently.
  
  

• Sometimes a calling is an action we need to take. We’ve been putting off a move, a career change, a break-up, or finally writing that screenplay for too long.
  
  

• And sometimes — most maddeningly— a calling is just a sense that something is “off.” We can describe the symptoms — we’re feeling a little dull, a little uninspired, a little sad — but we don’t know the cause or the solution. And yet, there is a challenge there for us all the same: to understand the problem more intimately, and, later, to take action to resolve it.
  

…

It’s easy to ignore a calling — we can do it for decades. Ignoring has its advantages, of course; callings tend to take time and energy. 

But a calling usually doesn’t go away. It returns when we are quiet and undisturbed. Sometimes it gets louder. Sometimes our life becomes dysfunctional because we’ve been ignoring the calling too long.

It is only by responding to that quiet knowing — of doing what is ours to do — that we can ever hope to experience a bodily sense of rightness. A deep sense that we are on the right path for us.

Which, ultimately, is what I think we all yearn for most.

…

I was so disconnected from my own callings for so long, and my life has been profoundly transformed by listening to them. I’m committed to helping others do the same. I know it sounds a little cheesy, but it’s true: one of my callings in life is to help others become aware of — and answer — their own. 

I currently have openings for two new clients (one spot was just taken!). If you’d like to work with me, learn more + reach out here.

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

Beware the moderately appealing goals

Just a quick reminder this week: Beware the “moderately appealing” goals.

I got the term “moderately appealing” from Oliver Burkeman’s lovely book about time and productivity, Four Thousand Weeks. One of the biggest barriers to feeling fulfilled by our “finite lives”, Burkeman argues, is these “moderately appealing” goals:

The work opportunity that seems fairly interesting or financially attractive, but would take quite a bit more work.

The friendship that is pleasant, in a lot of ways. But not a hell yes.

The hobby that is fun, but not one of the most important things in your life.  

I find that many of my clients have too many “moderately appealing” priorities — things they do care about, but which aren’t actually their top priorities.

In trying to do both the “moderately appealing” and the really-truly-high-priority things, they never have enough energy or time to give the really-truly-high-priorities what they really-truly-need.

(Or they are constantly exhausted, stressed, and hurried. Which does not lead to fulfillment, either.)

…

So I will ask: Is your finite life getting weighed down by too many “moderately appealing” goals?

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

Radical friendship insights from my father

My father is a 75-year-old man who loves bow ties, bel canto opera, and ancient military history.  

He also, I have come to realize, has some pretty great insights on friendship.

As a young lawyer at a big firm, my dad always was always able to find someone down the hall to have lunch with. (For the modern lawyers reading this, dad would say: This was a different time. Lawyers at big firms actually took lunch breaks back then.)

But a decade into his career, my dad went out on his own. He got his own office, hung his shingle, and…found that he wasn’t seeing friends as nearly much. He was kind of lonely.

So he started inviting people out to lunch.

He made a list of everyone he wanted to see more of, and went down the list — calling people up and scheduling several lunches a week, as a way of breaking up his workday.

And when he finished the list? He started again at the top.

As a result, my dad had several social lunches per week. For decades.

He’s a pretty upbeat guy, which I attribute to many things — but I genuinely think that one of them is his regular social interaction.

…

He and I were talking about his lunches recently, and there were two things that I thought I could learn from them. Maybe they will be helpful to you, too:


1. My dad is extremely intentional about his friendships.

In fairness, I don’t think my dad would use the word “intentional” — that’s the type of word that his Life Coach Daughter likes.

But what other word can you use, for a man who has a literal list of friendships he wants to maintain and goes to do the list on a regular basis, making sure he calls up each person?

And then starts again at the top?

2. My dad is comfortable doing 100% of the initiating.

This is, in my opinion, the most radical point of all. For virtually all of his lunches, my dad initiates the social plans.

I asked him, once: Dad, do you ever worry that maybe these people aren’t initiating back, because they don’t like you as much as you like them?

To that, he gave a good-natured shrug.

“I guess I could worry about that,” he told me, “but then I might stop asking people out to lunch. And what good would that do me? Or them?”

He told me that at least some friends will casually mention that they don’t socialize that much, with anyone. This makes sense to me; the average American spends less than a half hour a day on any non-work socializing and communicating, which includes time with one’s spouse.

And the others? Dad says: If they seem to be having a nice time with me, and I’m having a nice time with them, I don’t worry about whether they’re initiating or not. 

Truthfully, this is not how I’ve typically approached friendships. Quite the opposite, in fact.

In the past, I’d be okay initiating a few extra times, but if I felt like as doing most of the initiating…I’d stop reaching out to that person. I’d worry that secretly, they didn’t like me as much as I liked them, and that idea made me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve been thinking that perhaps I shouldn’t worry about initiating so much since reading Shasta Nelson’s thoughts about friendship, but having my dad as a real, living-breathing-role model pushed me even further in that direction.

…

And one more thing:

For those of you with jaws agape, thinking: I definitely don’t have time for several social lunches a week — I hear you. As an introverted, working mom with two young kids…I hear you.

Even my dad’s lunch frequency varied. He spent the last decade of his career as a judge — with less lunchtime flexibility than as a self-employed person — his frequency of social lunches decreased dramatically.

So if you’re in a busy season of life, don’t get too fixated on “several lunches per week.” I think the two lessons still hold, for however often you are able to socialize.

…

I offer my dad’s story to you, today, if it’s a helpful nudge:

Could it be that the missing ingredient to a satisfying, meaningful, social life is being willing to intentionally decide who you want to see, and then be willing to do 100% of the work, to see them? You might not have to do all the work – you probably won’t! — but just a willingness?

On one level, that idea feels radical. (At least to me!)

But what if it isn’t? What if it’s just a willingness to say:

Most people are lonely.

Many people are bad at initiating.

Can I help them, and me, feel more socially connected?

Because, as a reminder: regular friendship interaction can be an astonishingly effective tool for happiness, stress relief, and even momentum in other areas of your life.

Should we all channel Carlton Seaver this week?

(If so, I suggest this bow tie.)

As always, I’m rooting for you.

Katie

Big News

Have you heard the big news? I’m launching a podcast in October!

It’s called Now We’re Getting Somewhere, and I’ll be talking, deeply + practically, about the topics that are closest to my heart: how to have a life that’s more meaningful, happier, less exhausting, and also, more productive and successful.

I’m so excited about the chance to talk to you more directly — while you’re taking a walk around the block, driving, or doing the dishes.

I’ve already created episodes for you on:

• How to cultivate your internal compass

• Healing from burnout (This became an epic two-part-er)

• My intentional technology journey — and practices you can try
  

And! I’m currently planning a Q&A episode on dating — which is one of my favorite topics to coach on, but I haven’t written about that much in this newsletter. I’ll also be bringing a special secret guest to help me answer them.

Do you have any dating questions you’d like me to answer? You can submit them here.

And because I can’t resist, here’s the podcast art!

I can’t wait to share this project with you. Hope you’re getting as excited as I am :)

Of course, you’ve got this.

Katie