One of my sons has some health issues, and recently, I was telling my coach about all the things I could (and maybe should?) be doing to make sure he gets the best possible care.
She listened carefully, and then she said to me:
Katie, I hear you that there are more things you could be doing for your son.
What percent of the time are you thinking about those things? Versus what percent of the time are you thinking about all the things you are *already* doing for him and his health?
And that’s when the pin could drop.
“Uh, it’s basically 98% on things I’m not doing,” I told her.
When we hung up the call, I promptly made a list of all of the things I’ve done to support him and his health.
You know what? There were a lot of things on that list.
You know what else? After I made that list, I felt a lot less anxious.
I even thought: Hey, I’m a pretty solid mom over here.
And: Hey, maybe my son *is* getting great care.
So here’s your invitation:
Worried that you’re not good at your job? Make a list of all of the ways in which you are incredible at your job.
Worried that you’re a “bad person”? Make a list of all of the ways in which you’re actually a good person.
Worried that you’re a bad mom? Make a list of all of the ways in which you’re an awesome mom.
The point here isn’t to tell a false narrative or to excuse inexcusable behavior. It’s simply that our brains tend to tell narratives that are heavily — and falsely — weighted towards the bad things.
It’s simply to say: a more balanced narrative would be 50-50, positive and negative.
And if it’s a particularly thorny issue for you, I dare you to make a list each day for a week or two. Giving your brain evidence of an idea that it finds hard to believe — over and over and over — does actually change how you think.
In other words: doing it every day feels cheesy…but it freaking works.
…
And a final, kinda-wild observation:
When I feel like I’m actually a pretty decent worker/friend/mom, I find I have even more energy to devote to that area of my life.
Somehow feeling better about myself is also better for other people, too.
I’m here for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every Sunday morning. It’s free!