On being a beginner, Part 2 of 2 (Or: why being a beginner sucks + what I do about it)

Last week, I wrote about being a beginner. I made — in my opinion — a pretty compelling argument: if you’d like more vibrancy + sparkle in your life, being a beginner can help.

But there’s one more thing I want to say about this it’s-fabulous-to-be-a-beginner thing:

It can really suck to be a beginner.

I mean, sometimes it’s totally lovely + charming to be a beginner. I’m dancing the samba and I’m bad and I don’t care! But at other times, a beginner can bring up thoughts like:

I don’t know what I’m doing.
I’m terrible at this.
Everyone will *see* me being terrible at this. And judge me. And that judgement will cause something bad to happen.

These thoughts can be so scary that they stop us entirely from doing the thing that we want to do.

So today, I wanted to write to you the astonishingly effective tool I use to deal with painful thoughts like this. (And all kinds of other painful thoughts, actually).

The tool that I use is called Thought Work.*

I want to explain to you how it works, and then I’ll share a personal example of how I use it.

…

How it works:

There are two parts to Thought Work: (1) doing a thought download, and (2) analyzing your thoughts.

(1) Doing a Thought Download 

Set a timer for 5 minutes, and write down every thought you have about a topic. (e.g., every thought you have about your attempts to learn French, or your new job). Thoughts can be judgements, fears, desires — anything. Just write down one per line on your paper, so it’s really easy to see each separate one.

(2) Analyze your thoughts.  

Once you have all of your thoughts in a list, just take them one by one, and analyze them. You might ask yourself questions like:  

• In what ways is this thought true? In what ways is it not true?

• Is there a thought that you think could be more true?

• Could another thought be more useful to believe?

The point of this is to systematically examine your thinking. We often believe our thoughts as if we were reporting scientifically verifiable facts — when in reality, our thoughts are just beliefs. And someone else could just as easily… believe something completely different.

This practice may sound obvious. It may sound like something you already do, informally, in your head, or when you’re talking to your best friend.

But do not misunderstand me: doing it on paper, on a regular basis, is a radically different game.

…

An example of how I use Thought Work

In my free time, I’m writing a romance novel. I love relationships in general and romance novels, specifically —  it’s something I’ve wanted (and tried, on and off) to do for years.

And yet, I’m a beginner at writing romance novels. The reason I’ve been “working” on a romance novel for so long — but not had a regular writing practice, till recently — is that my mind was full of fearful thinking on the topic. 

I had thoughts like:

• You’re too tired to write today. Everything you write will be terrible.

• You’re not inspired. Don’t bother today.

• You shouldn’t write at all. You’re a terrible writer of fiction.

• Fine, you can write it. But you can’t show it to anyone or advertise it publicly to people who know you. Everyone would judge you for writing a romance novel. Also for how bad this novel is going to be.

So, of course, I didn’t write regularly!

It was only when I started doing Thought Work, each time before I sat down to write, that I was able to clearly see + dismantle each of these Garbage Thoughts. (I call thoughts “Garbage” when they are not true + harmful to me).

 …

Here is, for example, my Thought Work From yesterday (I won’t show you the separate Thought Download; here is my analysis of each thought):

I’m too tired to write.

It literally doesn’t matter what you write, so it doesn’t matter if you’re tired. Just write absolute GARBAGE. That’s 100% FINE.

My writing will be bad.

To be honest, you are a terrible judge of writing. Your writing is pretty solid B- level, which is actually pretty awesome, considering what a beginner you are. You always complain that it’s bad, but it’s not true. So you have two options:

1. You can STOP complaining that it’s bad. Because it’s wrong. It’s just a dumb tape in your head. It’s actually pretty decent and will probably entertain at least one person. And once you’ve written a few novels, it’ll probably entertain a lot of people, because you’ll be an even better writer.

2. You can keep thinking you’re terrible, if you like it or find it motivating or something?

(No, actually I hate thinking this. It is painful and it’s discouraging and makes me never want to write again.)

But I can’t write TODAY.

Why not? Like, literally why not? You can write garbage. But it won’t be garbage; it never is. You CAN write something. Also — the goal of writing is to get to know your characters. So GET TO KNOW THEM!!

I need to change pants first.

No, you don’t.

Fine, whatever — do it. Change pants. Then set a timer and WRITE. 

…

Having done this daily, it feels much easier to dismantle these thoughts. They go down easily, with less of a fight.

But I cannot overestimate how impactful this has been for me. Once I dismantle my thoughts, on paper, I feel so much freer to write.

And, of course, when we see someone else's thoughts it’s easy to see how ridiculous they are. You might be thinking to yourself: Well, of course, those are Garbage Thoughts, Katie! You definitely shouldn’t believe them. Just embrace being a beginner.

And yet, is there something you’ve been wanting to be a beginner in, but haven’t actually done yet?

I would bet you have your own Garbage Thinking on the topic.

Will you do a Thought Download and see?

(And to truly experience the life-changing effects of thought work, I recommend doing it daily for two weeks. When you systematically take apart your Garbage Thinking for fourteen consecutive days, you actually do — for real — start to believe different things.) 

* Thought work, at its core, is simply the process of seeing and questioning one’s thoughts; we could trace it to established traditions from Buddhism to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). The form I particularly love was developed by Brooke Castillo’s work at the Life Coach school, and I learned about it through one of my coaches, the wonderful Dielle Charon.

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As always, you’ve got this.

Katie

On having a sparkle in your eye (Or: Being a beginner, Part I)

“People who are over 40, who stop doing new things, tend to lose that sparkle in their eyes.”

One of my coaching mentors said this to me, several years ago. (And to be clear: I don’t think we need to be too precious about “40” — I’ve seen plenty of 30-year-olds with a dullness problem. And I’ve met plenty of 70-year-olds with serious sparkle.)

His overall argument was that when you’re young, you’re constantly forced to do new things. High school, college, and then your early twenties are a constant obstacle course of intellectual, social, physical, logistical, and emotional new things.

All of this newness can result in feelings of chaos or fear during our youth (they definitely did for me!).

But this newness also tends to lead to feelings of vibrancy or sparkle. When we do new things — when we encounter new people or new feelings or new problems — we become new.

On the flip side, one of the joys of getting older is that we know what we’re doing, most of the time. We become more skillful at work. We have committed relationships where we know what to expect. This can bring a sense of stability, calm, and power.

All good things.

And yet, if we stick too much to what we know how to do, we calcify a bit. Our lives get duller, less sparkly, or vibrant.

…

I wanted to share this with you today because frequently my clients come to me saying: My life just feels like...it’s dull. It lacks sparkle. Vibrancy.

Sparkle and vibrancy — like all problems I work on with my 1:1 coaching clients — are complex and multifaceted. But two questions I often ask are:

• How often have you been a beginner lately?

• How often have you done something new?
  

You might ask the same questions of yourself.

…

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

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A PSA on recharging your battery

Please remember: Recharging your (emotional/mental/physical/spiritual) battery…may not feel good.  

Sometimes, it may feel downright bad.

A few reasons why:

• Your nervous system may agitated and fried.
  
  You can avoid feeling uncomfortable body sensations when your life is still zooming along. After all, there’s always a new important thing to focus your brain on — you may be able to avoid feeling your body at all!
  
  But once you slow down and try to rest, you may no longer be able to avoid the sensations that were always there, beneath the surface. They do get better over time — but the first brush with them tends to be the most intense.

• You may have unprocessed anxiety, insecurity, fear, sadness, or anger.
  
  These unprocessed feelings could be about completely “understandable” topics (the loss of someone you love, for example), but could just as easily be about things you don’t deem “worthy” of such pain (a stupid comment by a coworker) — and yet, there they are.
  
  These feelings may be easy to ignore when your life is moving fast, but they rush in when there is some space. And boom — you’re overflowing with resentment, or anger, or grief, or shame.

• You brain may flip out.
  
  When you slow down and try to rest, your brain may throw thoughts at you like: “you’re falling behind,” “you’ll never meet your goals,” and “other people don’t need so much rest like this.” Or even: “You’ve already been resting for an hour/day/week/month, you *should* feel better by now!”
  
  It’s hard to feel calm and at peace with a chaotic brain.  

• You may not know how to recharge.
  
  A lot of lip service is paid nowadays to “self-care” — but I find that many people have not engaged with enough depth, iteration, and time with the complex work of truly recharging a profoundly empty battery.
  
  Sure, sure, baths and walks and journaling can all help. But what is your very particular prescription, in this very particular season of your life?

I don’t say this to discourage you.

I say it because I find, too often, people are discouraged by the process of actually refilling their tank. They hoped it would feel like getting a massage in a white terrycloth robe. And sure, sometimes it feels like that. But it can also feel…quite challenging.

It can take a profound curiosity + courage to decide that this is a priority, and pursue it.

And above all: it can be done.
And: you can do it.

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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

A 1-minute thing for today

Whew. It’s been a year, huh?  

When we’re tired (and at this point in the year, so many of us are tired), it’s easy to get a little overwhelmed by it all. Then we either do too much, do nothing, or get kind of reactive and weird.  

So, instead, I propose that we do a little teensy exercise together, to get a more intentional.

Ready?

1. What’s your #1 priority, this week?
   
   (My favorite types of priorities are for how I want to feel — e.g., calm, grounded, engaged, energized.But you can choose whatever you’d like.)
   
   

2. What 1-3 things can you do this week, to help support this priority?
   
   (Important: Make them things you’d actually like to do!)

…

And we’re done!

I don’t have the energy for a long self-reflection today. There are still Christmas decorations to clean up, after all. But want to see my answers?

1. What is your #1 priority, this week?

Feeling like my nervous system is calmer, and more grounded.

2. What 1-3 things will help support this priority?

• Lowering my internet usage. I was so exhausted for some of this month, that I let myself do more internet vegging than I typically do (see: Level 1), but it’s getting to the point where it’s now making me feel more anxious, and my brain more foggy. Time to move to Level 2.
  

• I want to focus my eating on calming, blood-sugar stabilizing foods, to help myself feel more grounded and slow.
  

• Letting myself get a little bored. I’m not working much this week, and it can be tempting to fill the time with lots of fun things. But I find some slight boredom to be really energetically nourishing when I’m drained.
  

… 

Feel free to send me yours, if you’d like. I’ll read each one.

Or start a text thread with friends where you each share yours!

Or just write it on a Post-it + put it next to your desk!

I’m wishing you a beautiful end of 2021. And, as always: I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

That time I was convinced I was a bad mom

One of my sons has some health issues, and recently, I was telling my coach about all the things I could (and maybe should?) be doing to make sure he gets the best possible care. 

She listened carefully, and then she said to me:

Katie, I hear you that there are more things you could be doing for your son.

What percent of the time are you thinking about those things? Versus what percent of the time are you thinking about all the things you are *already* doing for him and his health?

And that’s when the pin could drop.

“Uh, it’s basically 98% on things I’m not doing,” I told her.

When we hung up the call, I promptly made a list of all of the things I’ve done to support him and his health.

You know what? There were a lot of things on that list.

You know what else? After I made that list, I felt a lot less anxious.  

I even thought: Hey, I’m a pretty solid mom over here.
And: Hey, maybe my son *is* getting great care.

So here’s your invitation:

• Worried that you’re not good at your job? Make a list of all of the ways in which you are incredible at your job.
  

• Worried that you’re a “bad person”? Make a list of all of the ways in which you’re actually a good person.
  

• Worried that you’re a bad mom? Make a list of all of the ways in which you’re an awesome mom.

The point here isn’t to tell a false narrative or to excuse inexcusable behavior. It’s simply that our brains tend to tell narratives that are heavily — and falsely — weighted towards the bad things.  

It’s simply to say: a more balanced narrative would be 50-50, positive and negative.

And if it’s a particularly thorny issue for you, I dare you to make a list each day for a week or two. Giving your brain evidence of an idea that it finds hard to believe — over and over and over — does actually change how you think.

In other words: doing it every day feels cheesy…but it freaking works.

…

And a final, kinda-wild observation:

When I feel like I’m actually a pretty decent worker/friend/mom, I find I have even more energy to devote to that area of my life.

Somehow feeling better about myself is also better for other people, too.

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I’m here for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

When all you feel is *no*

If you’re chronically exhausted, anxious, or “blah”, it’s likely that you’re missing useful information about what you need, want, and value.

I often help my 1:1 coaching clients uncover these very things. (And even the very self-aware among us may not fully know our needs or priorities! All humans have blind spots.)

But a peculiar thing often happens to my clients when they start their journeys:

They start to hear “no.”

No, I don’t want to do this job.
No, I don’t want to go to that party.
No, I don’t want to make dinner tonight.
No, I don’t even want to *think* about my next career step.

In fact, for quite some time, they may only hear “no.”

These “no’s” can feel very…annoying.
These “no’s” can start to get them down. 

I want to figure out what I’m supposed to do next in my career! They tell me. Instead, the only clear answer I can get is that my deepest self…doesn’t want to do anything!

I wanted to share this because I’m not sure I’ve ever heard anyone share this very particular observation:

When we turn up the volume to our inner selves, often, the loudest thing we hear is “no,” at first.

I’m not sure I’ve ever heard anyone say it, so I’ll say it: This season of “no” is 100% normal.

I’ve lived my own season of “no’s.” And I’ve watched countless clients do the same. If you listen to the “no” for a while — and, importantly if you honor what they have to say — you will eventually start hearing “yes.”  

“Yes” comes when your deepest self knows that it can trust you…

…To not burn yourself out.
…To not push too hard.
…To not override what you truly value for impressiveness. Or people-pleasing.  

Don’t freak out if you’re in a season of “no.”

Just hold on.

Listen carefully.
Yeses are coming.

…

I wanted to share this, because I feel like I’ve been telling several of my clients recently. Perhaps it will resonate with you, too.

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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

On knowing what doesn't apply to you

One of the most profound skills you can acquire is the capacity to know what doesn’t apply to you.

Maybe you read some great advice about making friends. But maybe that doesn’t apply to you — living in tune with your current priorities could require spending what free time you do have… alone.

Maybe you read some great advice about productivity or professional growth. But maybe that doesn't apply to you — maybe you need to worry less about your professional life, and more about your personal life, right now.

Maybe you read some great advice about saving money. But maybe that doesn’t apply to you — living in tune with your current priorities could require spending money.

The advice could be about health or cultivating a creative practice. It could be useful. Profound.

But it might not apply to you.

A thought exercise for today:

• What ideas, hacks, or tips are you struggling to implement?
  

• Is it possible that they don’t actually apply to you right now?

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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

Something that often gets neglected

Many of my clients come to me feeling some combination of: stressed, tired, anxious, or unfulfilled.

The solution to their problems is multi-step and personalized (that’s why they hire me!) — and it does involve expected life coach-y things, like “what are your values?” and “what is your vision for your life?”

But I want to share something else that I often ask about — something that’s often not on my client’s radars.

Here it is:  How are your in-person friendships?

Many of us are busy — between our jobs, our partners, our families, and of course, the effects of the pandemic — we may not see in-person friends that regularly.

Plus, many of us have meaningful relationships from earlier in our lives (high school, college, or an early job), but they don’t live nearby. While old friends are important, I strongly believe that there’s a powerful form of connection that is only possible through regular, in-person connections. (More on that here.)

And I will tell you: inviting my clients to cultivate more in-person connections is often an astonishingly effective quick win for them.

I can’t tell you the number of clients who come to our sessions looking sunnier, happier, less stressed — and they didn’t have to find a new job or the meaning of life. They just took a walk with a friend that they’d like to know better.

…

Are you thinking that it might be useful for you to have more connected in-person friendships? Here’s the top suggestion I give to my clients: 

Ideally, the goal should be to set up a regularly-occurring hangout.

To be clear: “Regularly occurring” doesn’t have to mean every week! Maybe it means every other month — you get to decide.

But the goal would be to have a regularly-occurring day, time, and activity decided in advance + on both of your schedules. Maybe it’s a walk every other week, or a brunch once a month. I had one client who had a “nails friend” who she got regular manicures with.

That way, you don’t have to remember to reach out each time to initiate your next hangout, and then go back-and-forth to pick an activity and time.

The result of this typically means that you’ll see them so much more — and that regular connection is the stuff that meaningful relationships are built on.

Are you feeling a little nervous about this whole idea? Here’s two common fears I hear:

• I don’t have true friends where I live.
  
  That’s okay! Is there anyone who you’d like to know better? Maybe there’s someone you liked from a previous job or someone you met at an event who seemed nice. It’s okay if you don’t know them well yet, or they aren’t an official “friend.” All friendships have to start somewhere!
  
  Typically, people are incredibly flattered to be asked to hang out — many of them are lacking in in-person friendships, too. And if they aren’t, someone else will be!

• What if they don’t want to hang out with me?
  
  This is an incredibly common fear. Initiating can be scary for many people! (Me included!) But here are two things to keep in mind:
  
  First, how would you feel, if the person you were thinking about invited you to hang out. Wouldn’t you feel flattered? Delighted? Isn’t it possible that the other person might feel the same way?
  
  Second, it’s also true that the other person might not want to hang out. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything about your worthiness as a friend — it simply means that they aren’t interested in pursuing friendship right now (which could be for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with you). There will definitely be other people who would be thrilled to be asked out by you.
  

…

I’ve been thinking + working a lot on my in-person friendships over the past few years. Sometimes I think to myself: Is this something I should have figured out by now? 

But I don’t think that’s true.

I think that figuring out how to make friends in adulthood is an art.

What could be done with such ease in high school, college, or even your early 20’s (which is, for many people, an extension of college) — can feel much more tricky in full-fledged adulthood. People are busy, committed to partners and/or families, have demanding jobs. Plus, culturally, friendship can be put at the bottom of the list of priorities.

Which is to say: don’t beat yourself up if it takes some effort and intention to cultivate in-person friendships that nourish you as an adult.

But also: if you’re not feeling as amazing as you’d like to in your life — give some attention to your in-person friendships.

I know it feels like your problem is something else.

But you’d be shocked at how much of a difference a regular in-person hangout can make.

I’m in your corner. You’ve got this.

Katie

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Two reminders about other people + decision-making

Two quick reminders about other people + decision-making:

1. Other people may not understand a decision you make, but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision.

It’s simply the nature of life that sometimes you will make a decision that doesn’t make sense to them — or one that seems wrong or misguided.

No one — again, no one — will ever 100% “get you” like you get you. Even your soulmate. Even your best friend. Even your therapist.

(In other words: “This is your game.”)

2. Can you let them be wrong about you?

When other people doubt us, we often assume it means that we’re wrong.

But the Jedi-level Skill is the ability to do the opposite.

A Jedi has the capacity to say to herself: They’re simply mistaken.

And: I’m willing to let them be wrong about me. 

…

I got this insight from Brooke Castillo, and it’s quite radical. If you can get comfortable with the idea that people will sometimes be wrong about you — and this can be okay, and you do not have to change their minds — you might just be ready to conquer the world.  

(This is not, of course, to suggest that blind, unjustified confidence is the goal. It’s simply to say: the other person isn’t always right, either — and you get to decide what’s true.)

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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

For all my worriers out there.

I have a brain that tends to think about what can go wrong. Maybe you do, too.  

Today, I wanted to share a strategy (which I first learned about here) that has made a huge difference for me.

Here it is:

When you notice yourself focused on what could go wrong, practice giving equal brain space to what could go right.

Here are some examples from my own life:

When I think: What if my mom dies soon and I miss her so much and can’t call her and chat about the most banal things and also important things?

I try to also think: Or, what if she lives for many years and we have so many lovely moments of connection together — and even after she’s gone, I have so many wonderful memories of her.

…

When I think: What if my husband dies and I am so lonely without him?

I try to also think: Or, what if he lives as long as I do, and we have such a meaningful, satisfying relationship. We cuddle lots, we talk about deep things, and I get to watch him grow and he watches me be the person I yearn to be.

…

Or, here’s another one for me, lately — we’re just about to do some renovations on our home.

When I think: What if our renovation goes terribly? It’s way more expensive than it seems, and it’s totally not worth it, and I just wasted all of this money, and I’ll really miss that money when it’s gone.

I try to also think: What if it’s one of the best things I’ve ever spent money on? What if it lets us enjoy our beautiful lives, the amazing California weather, and our experience as a family in our home, so much more deeply? What if I absolutely *love* it?

…

What I love about this strategy is that it doesn’t require us to only focus on the positive, or pretend that the world is only rainbows-and-rainbow-unicorns.

It simply says: the narrative you’re telling is overly — even unrealistically — negative. The negative thing isn’t the only thing that could happen; it’s just one, negative point on a whole spectrum of possibilities.

For me, training my brain to remember that things could also go right — truly, training my brain to tell a balanced narrative — has made an enormous difference.

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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

Your reasons

Just a quickie this week.

I want to offer you two questions for when you are making just about any decision:

• What are your reasons?

• Do you like your reasons?

(That second one has not infrequently blown my mind. So often my default decisions are made for reasons I don't like — fear, people-pleasing, scarcity, avoidance of agitation, and more. These two questions give me the chance to be intentional about my reasons.)

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I’m in your corner rooting for you.

Katie

What I did to find more deep + meaningful friendships. (It’s kinda wacky.)

Sometime this spring, I found myself craving 1-2 more deep and meaningful friendships. I wanted friends who lived nearby (here’s why), who were deep, self-aware, and thoughtful, and who were willing to show up consistently to build a relationship.  

I wondered: What would be the most direct way to find these friends?

And then, in a flash of insight, it came to me: I should write a classified ad!

So — as one does — I wrote a 6-page Google Doc. I described what I was looking for, who I was, and who my ideal friend might be. It included lots of references to feelings, showing up authentically, and high quality baked goods.

Then I took out an ad in Claire Mazur and Erica Cerulo’s awesome newsletter, linking to that Google Doc. 

Much to my surprise, it kinda…made a splash.

People were…fascinated by it. Excited by it. They wanted to do one themselves, and they wanted to know how my search was going!

Claire and Erica even invited me to come on their podcast to talk more about the process — what inspired me to do it, what I was looking for, and how it turned out so far.

If the idea of a friendship classified ad excites or intrigues you, here’s where you can take a listen.

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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

The (un-intuitive) best next step

The most direct step towards what we most want often doesn’t feel like a step towards what we most want. 

In fact, it not-infrequently feels like a step in the opposite direction.

Here’s some examples of this, that I’ve seen with my 1:1 life coaching clients recently:

Want a new job?

You might think that the most direct next step would be to… Make lists! Have coffee chats over Zoom! Submit resumés! Go to interviews!  

But your unhappiness at your current job might mean that you are exhausted and your nervous system is agitated.

Rather than exhausting yourself further by taking actions that are reactive, half-assed, or ultimately not right for you…rest might be the most direct next step. After you’ve rested, you’re going to do a much more effective job of identifying and pursuing your next professional step.

Your most direct next step might be to rest.


Want more money?

Often, we feel that when we want more money, we need to reduce our spending. This was how I thought about money, for a very long time — and has its merits, of course.

And yet, spending money on a coach might help you, say, increase your yearly earnings by 20%. Or 50%! Or triple your income when you sell that screenplay / book that role two years from now.  You might earn back several times what you spent on your coach — far more than you could have saved by not hiring her.

Your most direct step might be to spend money.


Want to feel happy?

You might have felt sadness (or anxiety, or anger) bubbling up in you for some time. And those feelings? They feel terrible. You’d much rather feel happy, or positive.

And yet: those feelings might have something to teach you — or you might just need to fully process them in your body + your mind — so that you can move on to greater happiness.

Your most direct next step might be to feel more sad.


Want to feel calm?

You might have to sit in a bit of agitation that comes up when you try to lower your stimulation levels (which you will very likely have to do, in order to feel calmer.)

Your most direct next step might be to feel slightly more agitated.

…

To be clear: I’m not saying that any of these specific actions are always the right answer. They’re simply examples that I’ve seen in my clients’ journeys recently.

The key is that most of our paths won’t be a direct, non-step flight between here and our dreams. The most “direct” path often actually feels quite circuitous as we’re walking it.

So perhaps you will remember, if it ever feels like your next right step is in the totally wrong direction:

What if it was actually the most direct step, in the long term?

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

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When compromise isn’t possible.

Unfortunately, sometimes we find ourselves in situations where compromise isn’t 100% possible. In these situations, both of us can’t have what we want.

Either you’ll get what you want, or the other person will.

There’s no right answer in these situations. Sometimes you’ll choose to give the other person what they want. Sometimes you’ll choose to attend to your own wants or needs.

But please do remember that you get to choose.

You get to choose who gets what they want. 
I’ll say it again: You are choosing.

Do you like your choice?

I’m rooting for you.

Katie

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Two personal insights about refilling your tank

On Memorial Day, we discovered that one of my sons had some pretty serious health issues. Without sharing too many details, the past few months have included a hospital stay, specialists, medications, tests, and more.  

In late July, we got the news that he is (I am crossing so many fingers as I write this) past the scariest part. I felt grateful, relieved, and … completely exhausted.

I gave myself a full day to just fall apart: not get anything done, do whatever I felt like (this mostly involved YouTube videos + online window shopping). But I noticed that even the next day, I wanted to be back in action, but…I was still completely exhausted.

It made me reflect on the other times when my emotional/mental/spiritual tank had felt empty, and I had two insights that I thought might be useful to you, as well:

1. There’s a relationship between how empty your tank is and how long it takes to refill, but it’s not linear.

If the relationship was linear, then if your tank was 2x as empty as usual, it would take 2x as long as refill.

But, in my experience, that’s not how it works. At minimum, if my tank is 2x as empty as usual, it takes 4x as long to refill. Or longer.

This is extremely important, because it’s a reminder that refilling your tank may take much longer than you expect.

(And, on a personal level, this is why I am, whenever possible, willing to spend money to reduce my tank emptying. When we had newborns, for example, we spent money to get help, and I think that made a truly astonishing difference to my year. Coming back from a tank that is, say, 3x as empty as usual is radically different than coming back from a tank that is 6x as empty as usual. Though, of course, many forms of tank-emptying are unavoidable, and most of us don’t have unlimited budgets.)


2. There are distinct stages to the process of refilling one’s tank.

I’ve come to realize that there are at least 3 phases in how I recover my energy. I actually call them “levels,” because it almost feels like a video game of “Katie Tank Refilling.”

In Level 1 of this process — when my tank is most empty — the only thing that sounds remotely appealing is not feeling so freaking tired. I feel completely uninterested in my Big Picture Goals, things like: reaching more people with these essays, doing home repairs, or getting better at French.

But other the thing about Level 1 is that many of the intentional practices I write to you about (being intentional about technology! And exercising! Lying on the floor + sitting with uncomfortable feelings!) also seem completely unappealing. In fact, they seem exhausting.

Instead, I notice myself eating a little more indulgent food, being a little less interested in exercise, and — this is the most significant difference — vegging a lot more on screens. Interestingly, these things really do feel like they serve me, during this Level 1 period of an intensely empty tank.

And, then, there will be some point when I suddenly notice — and truly, it’s often kind of abrupt — oh wait, these things aren’t making me feel good anymore. The screen time, the more indulgent food, not moving as much — are now draining me, or making me feel more vague and foggy.

I’ve hit Level 2.

In Level 2, I resume my typical feel-good practices: being intentional about screens, eating, and movement. But the key thing about Level 2 is that my primary goal is still rest + recovery — I still feel pretty uninterested in Big Picture Goals.

And then, there will usually be another sudden moment (it might be days, or even weeks later, depending on how empty my tank was), when suddenly my Big Picture Goals actually feel…interesting.

Hello, Level 3.

…

As I write this essay in late July, I’ve just gotten past Level 1 (this weekend included a fair amount of YouTube, plus searching for toddler bookshelves and toddler sun hats online)…and I’m finding myself in Level 2.  My goal for the week is to take amazing care of my clients, and otherwise, to rest + take excellent care of myself, till I get my energy back.

I’m willing to let Level 3 come when it comes.

(On a personal note: I love this insight because it makes me feel less anxious. I could get totally spun out and frustrated about my screen usage over the weekend, for example. But instead, I just said to myself: I’m in Level 1. I will know when I’ve hit Level 2 and it’s time to ramp this down. But I’m not there right now.)

…

I was talking with my friend Catherine Andrews last week, and she was like: Katie, this is a really great description of the process of recovery. Not everyone knows this.

So I wanted to share it with you. I hope it gives you encouragement, however your tank + process of recovery looks like today.

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

…

p.s. Life coaching can radically expedite the tank-refilling process. Like, it is insane what a difference it can make. If it’s of interest, you can learn more here.  

On whether people like you at that outdoor, COVID-safe cocktail party

Many of us (me included!) might — you know, just sometimes — get a little anxious in social situations.

Maybe when there’s a cool-looking person at a party you’d like to befriend.
Or at Thanksgiving with your in-laws.
Or even with one of your oldest friends.  

Our anxieties can take many forms…

• Do they find me interesting / funny / smart?

• Do they find me attractive / sexy?

• Would they rather talk to someone else?

• Do they want to be my friend?

And yet, they all boil down to the same fear: Do they like me?

Today I wanted to offer you a new thought to think, when you are worried about whether other people like you.  

Here it is:

Instead of worrying whether they like you, ask yourself: Do I like *them?*

Did you catch that?

Instead of worrying about whether they like you, ask yourself: Do I like them?

I’ve played with this idea, and it has really shifted things for me. Here’s what I’ve noticed:

1. In meeting new people

I have long had mild social anxiety — I usually get a little anxious at a dinner party of all new people, for example. I often found the thought flitting across my mind: Katie, you are awkward and they probably don’t find you as interesting as the other people here.

But once I stayed focused on whether I liked them, and whether I want to get to know them better, it really shifted things for me.

Instead of trying to control them (“please, won’t you like me?!”), I just started paying much closer attention to them — to what they were saying, and to their whole way-of-being. Did I find them warm? Deep? Thoughtful?

This was much more relaxing to me, and I’m sure it made the people I spoke with more relaxed, too.

It also helped me realize: I don’t actually want to become friends with most people. Of course, I’m capable of chatting with almost anyone, and will be kind and respectful to everyone I meet!

But if I don’t feel “lit up” by another person, it doesn’t actually matter if they’d rather talk to someone else. I feel the same way about them!

2. In existing relationships where I didn’t feel cherished.

I have a few existing relationships where I felt that the other person — in various ways — didn’t seem to put in the “friendship work” for us to connect. I didn’t feel particularly valued, and I might have even started to feel hurt.

Asking “Do I like them?” changed everything for me.

If I realized that I didn’t actually value them that much, then it was fine that they seemed to be a bit checked out from the relationship. I realized it would make sense for me to “check out” a bit, too.

If I realized that I did deeply value the relationship, then I was willing to do the majority of the “friendship work,” at least for the time being. It was a relationship I valued!

…

One more thing:

I was talking about this concept with a client recently, and she wondered whether it was a bit egotistical, to focus on whether she liked other people.

From my perspective, it’s actually the opposite.

When we’re worried whether the other person likes us, we are typically “performing” — trying to make ourselves liked. We’re not showing up with the authenticity that typically leads to the most meaningful, lasting relationships.

But when we ask whether we like them, we’re being honest — with ourselves, and with them. If the relationship does form, it forms on the foundation of authenticity and a true, genuine desire to connect. That’s the kind of friendship that will be best for them, and for you.

…

Here’s your homework:

In a social situation, when you notice yourself worried about being liked, ask: do I like them?

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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

Two No-Brainer Ideas

Among the many things that I help my clients with, one category is what I’d call “feeling better” (we could call that “feeling less anxious” “feeling less tired” or even, “going from good to thriving,” depending on the client).  

If you’ve been getting this newsletter for a while, you know that I have lots of ideas on how to do just that — from a two-day prescription, to ideas for intrepid intentional tech adventurers.

Today, I thought it might be nice to share 2 no-brainer ideas. For me, “no brainers” are not hard, don’t require a much (if any) emotional energy, and are at least slightly fun.

If you’re already doing both of these, awesome! If you’re not, they’re pretty no-brainer ones to add to your life.

Here they are:

1. Read a physical book or magazine for 30 minutes.

Design magazines or romance novels (my favorites) count. So do celebrity gossip magazines or Revolutionary War histories (just finished this, 100 pages into this). Anything counts as long as it is a physical reading material.

Just get off of your phone or laptop or TV and read something. Do it for 30 minutes. If you haven’t been reading much that’s not an internet article lately, it may be a bit hard to focus. That’s okay. Just practice, and it’ll get much easier.

I find it astonishing how much my breathing slows down, how much my nervous system calms down, when I read a physical book.

For extra credit, go for a full hour.

2. Take a walk.

Walk to your corner and back. Walk around the block. Or, sure, walk for 45 minutes or an hour. But if you’re anxious or overwhelmed, if you’re not walking…you need to start walking.

I know, I know: I’m so overwhelmed. Walking won’t help. Walking won’t fix it.

I dare you: Go take a walk. Email me if you don’t feel better afterward.

… 

On one hand: maybe these feel “obvious” to you.

On the other hand: are you feeling low-level anxious, tired, or overwhelmed today? Have you done both of these things?

Sign up for my newsletter to get helpful + encouraging essays like this every Sunday morning. It’s free!

You’ve got this.

Katie

Lemme tell you about this chart.

Today, I’m going to start with a chart. Take a look, and then we’ll talk.

This is from The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working, by Tony Schwartz, with Jean Gomes and Catherine McCarthy. It describes four emotional zones you can be in, while you’re working.  

The implications of it might blow your mind.

…

Let’s start by talking about the Performance Zone — the upper right quadrant.

To understand the Performance Zone, think about how you feel when you’re performing at your best — working effectively towards a specific goal. If you’re like most people (and Schwartz’s team has asked this question of thousands of people — athletes, artists, heart surgeons, teachers, cops, and more) you feel:

Engaged

Focused

Upbeat

Committed

Optimistic  

The Performance Zone requires a lot of energy, but you also have mostly positive emotion — hey, that’s how it feels to be doing a great job working towards a specific goal.

…

If you’re like many people, you saw the Performance Zone + thought: Yeah, that looks pretty good. I think I’ll just stay there all day at work and be really productive.

But there’s something very, very important to know about the Performance Zone:

You can’t spend all of your time there.

In fact, for most knowledge workers, Schwartz’s research suggests that you probably can’t spend more than ~90-120 minutes at a time in the Performance Zone.

Yes, even if you want to spent more time in the Performance Zone, your brain will literally kick you out.

Most knowledge workers don’t know this. They start their day feeling fresh — engaged, focused; classic Performance Zone; and just aspire to stay that way. But then their brains get tired…and kick them out.

Where do they end up?

Typically, they end up in the Survival Zone (upper left): feeling mildly — or significantly — irritable, reactive, anxious, or distracted.

Or — perhaps even worse — in the Burnout Zone (lower left): feeling exhausted, depressed, even hopeless.

…

This is where the story gets pretty juicy, in my opinion. Because even though you cannot stay in the Performance Zone, you can control which zone you go to next.

One of the key ideas in The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working is the idea of “pulsing.” When you reach your limitations with the Performance Zone, you can consciously choose to “pulse” to the Renewal Zone.

In the Renewal Zone (lower right), you are — you guessed it — actively cultivating renewal. You feel relaxed, peaceful, laid-back, and serene.

Typically, this requires stepping away from your computer for at least a 15 minutes and doing something that would allow you to feel mellow, receptive, or peaceful. Things like:

• Moving your body (walking around the block, stretching, doing a workout)

• Lying on the floor,

• Looking out the window

• Reading an actual, physical book or magazine for 10 minutes

• Having a relaxing meal

• Chopping some vegetables

• Folding your laundry while listening to harp music (hey, you asked for suggestions)

It’s important to note: email or social media usually aren’t Renewal Zone activities. Typically, you will be too revved up to actually feel peaceful + receptive. Here’s more on that, if you’re interested.

…

Are you feeling skeptical about this whole “pulsing to the Renewal Zone” thing?

For most of my clients, it takes some practice with pulsing to really get the hang of it. You might be so accustomed to being agitated in your body all day, that actually calming down your nervous system sounds, well, impossible.

This does improve with practice. If you regularly offer your nervous system the chance to come down, it begins to learn how to relax.

And, even then, you may not get to “spa day” in your pulse to the Renewal Zone. But that’s okay.

Even a mediocre trip to the Renewal Zone is way, way more useful to you than the Survival or Burnout Zones. And once you’ve spent a bit of time in the Renewal Zone, you can — you guessed it — pulse back to the Performance Zone.

And, if you feel guilty about visiting the Renewal Zone during your workday? Read this.

… 

Want the three-sentence summary?

1. Stop trying to work for more than 90 (or maybe 120) minutes at your knowledge-work job.

2. You’ll be more productive, paradoxically, by taking a renewal-oriented break.

3. (Instagram or email checking don’t count as a renewal-oriented break.)

…

Does this feel obvious? Impossible to implement? I’d love to hear!

As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie

The thought that has made 2021 an insane year of growth for me

2021 is barely halfway over, and already, it has been an astonishing year of personal + professional growth for me.

When I say “astonishing,” I mean it. As in: no one is more astonished than me about how this year is turning out.

I’ve never felt more confident and skilled as a coach, and my clients have never gotten better results. My business has grown financially in ways that I used to be afraid to admit I wanted.

I feel physically well. Mentally sharp. Happy, a truly astonishing amount of the time.

Oh and: I freaking have 1-year-old twins.

Let's flash back to December 2019. I'm on the grey couch in my living room, crying to my husband: I’m not sure I can handle twins. I’m going to fall apart. My business is going to crumble.

Many factors helped make this year astonishing (Getting great childcare! All of these!). But there was one thought that I consciously decided to believe this year…and I think it made a huge difference.

Here it is: I believe I can learn anything with the right teacher.

It sounds simple, I know.

But don’t underestimate it.

I believe I can learn anything with the right teacher.

…

One example, of many:

In January, I admitted to myself that I wanted to grow my coaching practice — to reach more people, and to make more money — and I wasn’t sure how. I was a bit ashamed, to be honest, that I hadn’t figured out how to do it on my own already.

But I reflected on it and decided: I believe I can learn anything with the right teacher.

So instead of feeling ashamed…I went out and found a teacher — a coach. And she freakin’ rocked my world. It turned out that I could be more successful while feeling calmer and less tired.

I have done this on several key occasions this year. My teachers have been coaches, books, courses, a stylist, and a design agency. Many of my lessons are still in progress.

But mostly, I am astonished by the potency of the thought: I believe I can learn anything with the right teacher.

If I believe I can learn anything with the right teacher, then it’s totally fine that I don’t know how to do what I want to do yet.

My only job is to go and find my teacher.

Going and finding the right teacher takes patience. It takes humility. For me, it also took a decision: “I am willing to spend money to invest in myself.”

(That has been another lesson of this year. I have never invested in myself to the degree that I have in 2021. And yet: my investments have paid astonishing returns.)

…

I have good news: there’s still time for your 2021 to astonish you.

Do you believe that you can learn anything with the right teacher?

What would happen if you did believe it?

…

As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.

Katie

p.s. Would you like me to be your teacher?

I’m really, really good at helping people feel amazing about their lives.

Finally making progress on that screenplay. Finally finding a new job. Doing higher quality work, with fewer hours. Feeling: calmer, happier, more connected, more productive.

I’m currently fully booked, but I have 3 openings for new clients in October. I’m getting booked in advance now — so I’d recommend reaching out now if you’d like to have a fall start.

(Plus, how fun would it be to finish out the summer — lazing on the beach, reading a book with a cold La Croix next to you…knowing that you’re about to start a fun + life-changing life coaching engagement in the fall?)

Learn more about my work + apply for a consult here.

Screen-Free Weekends + 3 other intentional tech ideas

Over the past several years, I’ve been working on being more intentional about technology in my personal life, and it’s been coming up with many of my 1:1 coaching clients. (Here’s why I think that is.) 

I’m still not perfect, but I wanted to share a few things that have made a huge difference for me.

1. No screens after dinner.

For many years I’d cuddle up with my laptop after dinner — watching YouTube videos, or Googling how celebrities met their spouses. (Just me?)

But also: I was often tired, low-level anxious, or felt like there wasn’t enough time.

I wondered if there was a connection, so I started by making an intentional decision to read after dinner, instead of going on a screen. I love to read, but didn’t seem to read as many books as I used to.

I was shocked by how much better I felt — in the same two or three hours, it felt like so much more time, and I felt so much more rejuvenated. I ended up reading 40 books in the 12 months after I first implemented this practice. I also started getting tired and going to bed about an hour earlier — which led to me waking up earlier, without an alarm.

Most importantly: I felt so much calmer, less anxious, and like I had more time during my days. I never realized how much my screen usage was tiring me + zapping my ability to focus until I eliminated it.

2. No email on weekends.

I started implementing this about a year ago, and I adore it. Taking at least ~60 hours away from both personal and professional emails (from Friday afternoon to Monday morning) feels incredibly calming and rejuvenating.

3. I’m not a big texter or social media user.

After I had my twins about a year ago, I noticed that many new moms spend a lot of time on their phones. Lots of moms have really supportive text chains with other new moms, or consume a large amount of (encouraging! funny!) mom-related Instagram posts.

All of that can be awesome, but I found that I had a lot more energy and time…and frankly, happiness, when I minimized how much time I spent on my phone.

While I’ll sometimes check out a mom blog or Instagram feed, I try to get most of my support from catching up in person or on a phone call, and I read some books for parenting ideas.

More on my personal IG philosophy here.

4. Screen-free weekends

This is my newest intentional technology practice: staying off of screens for an entire weekend. I’ve been playing with it for the past two months and freaking love it.

I know that this practice might sound a little intense if you’ve never tried it. But also, every time I do it, I think: wow, this 2-day weekend feels like a 3-day weekend.

On screen-free weekends, the things that felt like chores (neatening up my office, batch cooking) seem to get done pretty effortlessly.

On screen-free weekends, I feel more present with my babies (who are now toddlers!) and my husband. I also feel more present with myself ­—  more likely to just lie on my bed for twenty minutes and look out the window.

Plus, I tend to use the baby-responsibility-free time I do have to leave the house and do things in the outside world.

Though, I will also say that not every moment is full of joy and relaxation. I’ve noticed that I feel more, on screen-free weekends — I’m more likely to feel waves of boredom or anxiety or sadness. But it’s been so interesting to allow myself to ride the waves of emotions and body sensations — and to notice how they always, ultimately pass.

… 

So, with all that in mind, I want to give a big caveat: I’m not a purist about any of these practices:

• My husband and I watch ~90 minutes of TV each week, for example, and that usually happens after dinner. Maybe once a week, I send a few client emails at night, too.

• On about 1/3 of weekends, I do check my email (especially my personal email), for one reason or another.

• I definitely don’t make all weekends screen-free ones. Sometimes I just want to check out Anthropologie’s newest pant collection or watch the latest SNL videos.
  

Sometimes doing those tech-oriented actions serves me. And also, sometimes, it doesn’t — and I think that’s okay, too.

But I’m a big believer that sometimes acting in a way that isn’t on our own behalf is how we learn. Checking my email on the weekend, for example, is how I remember: oh yeah, I feel better when I give myself a break from this.

…

Intentional use of technology is, of course, not the only way to address many of the issues that we face in 2021 (anxiety, lack of time, not making progress on what matters most to us).

But I’ve found that they are a potent intervention for a remarkably wide spectrum of issues.

You don’t have to do what I do, of course.  But would you like to be more intentional about technology?

Where might you begin?

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As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.

Katie