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"I only know what I don't want" (or: "no"-only compasses) - Part III
I’m starting this year by sharing some core concepts that I find most helpful to my clients — our compass + our engine. My last few essays have been about our compasses (here, here, and here) – and I wanted to share a final more core concept about compasses this week.
…
One final compass insight for you:
Some people’s compasses — either for a period of time, or for always — only tell them what not to do. Don’t take this job, don’t get married to this person. But it never actually tells them what *to* do.
In other words: “No”-only compasses exist.
The good news is that even though this is annoying, you actually can navigate through life with this just fine. It will work, and will work quite effectively — even with “no”-only signals.
But you have to kind of get used to that process, too, and learn how to work with the compass you have — which, again, is not Google Maps.
…
As always, I’m rooting for you in the week ahead. You’ve got this.
Katie
p.s. If you’d like to do a total overhaul on your compass and/or engine this year, I highly recommend working with me 1:1. Here’s what one client said about her experiences working with me:
“{…}It was truly life-changing. In a very short time, Katie was able to truly see me, probably better than anyone ever has, and more importantly she helped me be able to see myself - which I realized I had never actually done before. She really has a knack for reading the moment and knowing what is needed in that moment, while also knowing how that moment relates to the bigger picture.
I can't recommend Katie enough.”
— Celia
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When all you feel is *no*
If you’re chronically exhausted, anxious, or “blah”, it’s likely that you’re missing useful information about what you need, want, and value.
I often help my 1:1 coaching clients uncover these very things. (And even the very self-aware among us may not fully know our needs or priorities! All humans have blind spots.)
But a peculiar thing often happens to my clients when they start their journeys:
They start to hear “no.”
No, I don’t want to do this job.
No, I don’t want to go to that party.
No, I don’t want to make dinner tonight.
No, I don’t even want to *think* about my next career step.
In fact, for quite some time, they may only hear “no.”
These “no’s” can feel very…annoying.
These “no’s” can start to get them down.
I want to figure out what I’m supposed to do next in my career! They tell me. Instead, the only clear answer I can get is that my deepest self…doesn’t want to do anything!
I wanted to share this because I’m not sure I’ve ever heard anyone share this very particular observation:
When we turn up the volume to our inner selves, often, the loudest thing we hear is “no,” at first.
I’m not sure I’ve ever heard anyone say it, so I’ll say it: This season of “no” is 100% normal.
I’ve lived my own season of “no’s.” And I’ve watched countless clients do the same. If you listen to the “no” for a while — and, importantly if you honor what they have to say — you will eventually start hearing “yes.”
“Yes” comes when your deepest self knows that it can trust you…
… To not burn yourself out.
… To not push too hard.
… To not override what you truly value for impressiveness. Or people-pleasing.
Don’t freak out if you’re in a season of “no.”
Just hold on.
Listen carefully.
Yeses are coming.
…
I wanted to share this, because I feel like I’ve been telling several of my clients recently. Perhaps it will resonate with you, too.
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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Struggling to know what choice to make? Here's one place to start
The most direct step towards what we most want often doesn’t feel like a step towards what we most want.
In fact, it not-infrequently feels like a step in the opposite direction.
Here’s some examples of this, that I’ve seen with my 1:1 life coaching clients recently:
Want a new job?
You might think that the most direct next step would be to… Make lists! Have coffee chats over Zoom! Submit resumés! Go to interviews!
But your unhappiness at your current job might mean that you are exhausted and your nervous system is agitated.
Rather than exhausting yourself further by taking actions that are reactive, half-assed, or ultimately not right for you…rest might be the most direct next step. After you’ve rested, you’re going to do a much more effective job of identifying and pursuing your next professional step.
Your most direct next step might be to rest.
Want more money?
Often, we feel that when we want more money, we need to reduce our spending. This was how I thought about money, for a very long time — and has its merits, of course.
And yet, spending money on a coach might help you, say, increase your yearly earnings by 20%. Or 50%! Or triple your income when you sell that screenplay / book that role two years from now. You might earn back several times what you spent on your coach — far more than you could have saved by not hiring her.
Your most direct step might be to spend money.
Want to feel happy?
You might have felt sadness (or anxiety, or anger) bubbling up in you for some time. And those feelings? They feel terrible. You’d much rather feel happy, or positive.
And yet: those feelings might have something to teach you — or you might just need to fully process them in your body + your mind — so that you can move on to greater happiness.
Your most direct next step might be to feel more sad.
Want to feel calm?
You might have to sit in a bit of agitation that comes up when you try to lower your stimulation levels (which you will very likely have to do, in order to feel calmer.)
Your most direct next step might be to feel slightly more agitated.
…
To be clear: I’m not saying that any of these specific actions are always the right answer. They’re simply examples that I’ve seen in my clients’ journeys recently.
The key is that most of our paths won’t be a direct, non-step flight between here and our dreams. The most “direct” path often actually feels quite circuitous as we’re walking it.
So perhaps you will remember, if it ever feels like your next right step is in the totally wrong direction:
What if it was actually the most direct step, in the long term?
As always, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Katie
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