A few years ago, I met a cute, thoughtful guy on an online dating site. We’d been dating for a month when he casually told me his online dating strategy.
When I was writing my profile, I tried to be as much myself as possible, he told me. I figured I’d scare away most people, which was a good thing.
Scare away most people? A good thing?
I’d done the opposite. I’d written my profile hoping to be universally likeable. Didn’t I want to give myself as many options as possible?
Dating takes a lot of time, he shrugged. Most people aren’t right for me anyway. Why would I want to spend time on a date with someone who isn’t right for me?
I’ve always thought his approach was radical, because so much dating advice is about “getting the guy to ask you out” or “getting her to like you.” His strategy was the opposite. Here’s what he told me:
“People try to hide themselves. And then they try to slowly sneak up on their partner, thinking if they only let it out a little bit at a time, their partner won’t notice. But their partner will notice, and that’s usually why people break up. They finally see the other person for who they are, and they don’t like it.
“Instead, first show your “crazy” – your quirky, unique, vulnerable aspects. This isn’t saying you should be completely dysfunctional – it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone like that — but everyone has warts. Then once most people have been repulsed, you’ll find the one who really likes you.”
“If you’re a cat, you want someone who likes cats. You don’t want to date a dog person.”
On one hand, duh. But also, it’s easier said than done for many of us who typically want people to like us.
If you’re struggling with dating — or even with finding more friends — would you explore letting most people be “repulsed” ?
(And if you’re interested in this guy, I’m sorry to say that he’s off the market. Reader, I married him. :)